I'm struggling and would like to discuss the strong dissonance I've been experiencing. I need support from someone who could understand things through my eyes.

I feel like I'm driven to a corner with no way out for me. It's complicated. Feels like heartbreak and torment on repeat. Like I'm already in hell.

If I reject that homosexuality is haram and bad, it is disbelief. If I choose to accept it, then I have to live my life in dissonance, that said intimacy is bad and that I'm doing something bad. It's something I want a lot and not something I want to live without. I might have to live with some amount of dissociation or compartmentalization, but then I think that one could only really justify doing something haram/bad as a lifestyle choice if they didn't believe it was bad or haram (which is disbelief).

I would have walked away from religion if I had a meaningful choice, but I don't. If I care about my wellbeing (which I do), I have absolutely no choice in choosing to believe or not, because disbelief is eternal hell.

I've internalized sunni orthodoxy and traditional beliefs. Historical scholarly ''consensus''/ijma. Their interpretation and consensus. That's all that feels legitimate to me... it's unfortunate because their narrow imposition of ''objective divine wisdom'' with no concern for individuality, meaningful autonomy and self-determination doesn't resonate with me.

Quranism, hadith skepticism, revisionism, liberal/progressive Islam - all of these would be much more affirming and compassionate/respectful towards my personal experience; but they don't register as legitimate, instead as... heresy/disbelief or ''following desires'' or ''changing religion''. The fear of uncertainty w.r.t. belief and its connection to the afterlife tends to keep me with what's feels safe and familiar, and so I stick to orthodoxy. Seems like the understanding of religion is gatekept by scholars.

I should look into the legitimacy of other variants (and that of orthodoxy itself), but I feel I cannot conduct objective research into this because of how much it affects me. And because I fear distorting religion and facing the consequences of giving in to a sweet lie, I stay stuck. It's just too much to handle from a human perspective.

Looking for advice, support, perspectives, maybe even someone to talk to.