[TL/DR — Catholic-raised woman dating a Muslim man for the first time and concerned about long-term potential. Please scroll down to the numbered questions!]

*** I’d like to start by recognizing that every individual is unique, and these are certainly topics that I will explore with this person directly as things progress, but it’s a little too early for such heavy talk. I’m VERY ignorant to the culture and trying to gain a baseline understanding before having these kinds of discussions. ***

I’m an American, non-religious-but-raised-Catholic woman and started dating a Pakistani man — both in our 30s. As an academic, he has lived outside of the Middle East his entire adult life, and moved to the US last year for work with plans to stay permanently.

His Muslim faith is deeply important to him and appears to be a key part of his identity, but it’s very obvious that he lives a progressive lifestyle. He drinks, he’s smoked, he dates (and has had plenty of sex) with women outside his faith. He seems to be most attracted to my intelligence, success, independence, and adventurous outlook on life (all qualities that I had previously assumed were not valued in the culture). However, he got a little uncomfortable when I was asking about his faith because I think there’s a good deal of self-judgement in there (for being a “bad Muslim”), but he did explain that when it comes to sins that affect only him and don’t negatively impact others, that’s something he is hopeful can be forgiven.

All that said, I’m not rushing into anything, but I don’t want to invest my time in relationships that don’t at least have some level of potential for a long-term future. I sincerely apologize if saying this comes across as xenophobic, but his devotion to Islam has raised some fears and concerns on that front. From my EXTREMELY limited understanding of the faith and the culture, I have viewed Islam as an incredibly strict religion with very limited flexibility, and I was honestly shocked to hear just how deep his faith is, considering the the way he functions in life. I’m hoping that concern and fear is simply rooted in ignorance, which is why I’m here.

So here are my two main questions for now:

1. Is it common for progressive Muslim men to marry women outside of their faith (particularly in my case, a woman who is not religious), or is it still deeply frowned upon even among those who are more progressive? I’m confident that his interest in me is genuine and not just for sex or other selfish reasons, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I would be a viable long-term partner.

2. I read that even within interfaith marriages, according to the laws of Islam, children MUST be raised Muslim. While I would certainly encourage my future spouse to educate our children about his beliefs regardless of what those may be (as would I), I have no intention of raising them in the Muslim faith. Is it also true for most progressive Muslim men to insist on raising their children in Islam?

If anything I’ve said felt problematic, I sincerely apologize, and please call me out on it—the last thing I want to do is insult him when/if we do have these conversations. I’m trying to learn and understand, so I hope you’ll offer me grace in my ignorance.

Thank you in advance ❤️