For sure trigger warning (but excluded specific details)⚠️

I started watching porn like content at age 9. I was exposed to that also around that age (with abuse, and hanging out with older kids). I was always considered “mature”. Obviously that was just bs to hurt me but I didn’t care. I felt loved and cared for. It got bad around 12 (with porn). Right before this I had a pretty bad sexual assault (all sexual assault is bad ofc, it was just real intense). This really fucked me up. I had my first suicide attempt, and 13 more after that, and 7 different residentals. Through it all the one consistent thing I had was porn. But it was fucked up. It was like I was trying to desensitize myself and numb myself to the whole experience/experiences. The shame is relentless. I can’t escape it. I was doing sooooo good. Hadn’t touched anything like that for almost a year. But once I started trauma work, it all fell apart. I can’t even go a fucking week. I have never never confessed it to anyone. Not one therapist, social worker, family member. I did mentioned it once to my mom. She just told me how wrong it was and made me swear to never do it again or I’d never get my phone back (I think I was about 14 then). The longest I’ve gone this month is 3 days. It’s always at night. I don’t sleep. I’m fine during the day. Busy with university work. But nights are when I’m just eaten alive with shame and impulse. It’s almost like I’d rather watch porn than be impulse. I used to sneak out and take pills or self harm. I’m clean of self harm for about 150 days now I think? So it’s not too bad of an issue. I’m just… so done. I’m not unsafe, or I’d tell someone. I’m just so so sad.

I don’t know why I wrote this. I just… need to say it. Sorry if this is over sharing.