I recently posted on /r/NoFap as to my situation and my lack of discipline to actually make it work. Aside from fapping all the time, my porn consumption is EXTREMELY HIGH. I can't even being to think where it all started, the hoarding of images, watching all kinds of videos on all kinds of sites, and not to mention all the ones I have downloaded to keep. I actually still have vids from the early 2000s, vids from women who are no longer alive, and I keep them stored, secret for "prosperity' as if I contain the only file in existence. Like the last 10 years didn't happen and now ALL porn from ALL locations is easily accessible in your own hand.

Aside from that, I've been unable to actually picture a woman, or rather picture and consider women as anything other than sexual objects. The more I think of it, the more I see how disastrous having the internet is. OF, IG, REDDIT, PH, TWITCH, and the rest of the internet are exceptionally good at showcasing and marketing sex, sexual women(since I'm cis), and the ideals that we must aspire to in porn. There is a reason there are only so many male actors in the field, there is a reason SO many women have gotten on OF or IG or created their own content, it's FOR THE MONEY. No shade on anyone making their cash, but sex and sexuality have been so easily commodified that it is EVERYWHERE, subtle or not, and always, ALWAYS plays upon our own insecurities.

I have learned a lot from porn. I learned that I'll never be able to pleasure a woman since my dick is 6 in. I learned that no woman will have me cause I don't have abs. I learned that I do not have the stamina to pleasure a woman. I learned that the best someone like me can do with a woman is get in a cuckold relationship. I learned that toys should not be used lest you are less of a man. I learned that the only women I should be attracted to are the women with big tits and big ass, maybe even big lips. I learned that if I'm not fucking, sucking, or otherwise not getting sex, then what is the point of my existence.

I learned that I am never enough.

I'm scared because I'm starting to actually believe it.