I’m posting this here, because I think this is related to my porn addiction. (400 ish days clean and I still have worrying thoughts so don’t get comfortable boys, anyway.)

I watched porn from ~13 to 19 and didn’t realize it was a problem until I had multiple instances of PIED, with different girls. I kept kidding myself, saying I just wasn’t meant for vanilla sex and I had to find someone into weirder shit.

About a year ago I met this woman off of Bumble, I was 19 she was 34 and literally willing to do anything I wanted. Anything. I told myself I have an opportunity to have actual sex doing stuff I would find arrousing. She would send me pics for weeks leading up to our first meeting. I have a foot fetish so a lot of stuff relating to that, I think I had my cock in my hand at least 3-4 hours every day between matching with her and meeting her.

So eventually the day comes, I take a train to go meet her (she lived in a neighboring state), and I was walking around for a little while waiting for her to come pick me up and take her back to her place. She texts me she’s close, walks into my field of view, and immediately I felt off. Like I was talking a looooot of shit guys, I said I was going to do a lot to her, and when I met her I felt like a deer in the headlights.

I won’t get very graphic with this part so as not to trigger anybody, but we went to the bedroom, and I still am not getting a full erection. I had to REALLY focus in on what we were doing and only then did I get a semi-maintainable erection long enough for her to finish me off. But it didn’t feel good like I expected, it just felt like something came out of me. This was the moment I realized my problem was something more than just my kinks and it was actually the last time I had an orgasm. I haven’t watched porn since that day.

Now that you all have the history

A month or two ago I met a girl off of Hinge and she’s great, not perfect but great and I like her. We’ll kiss and touch each other and grind a little bit, and we’re talking about going a step or two further if you catch my meaning. I even told her about my foot fetish and while she doesn’t really get it and thinks it’s kind of weird, she hasn’t written it off completely.

SO WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS 30 YEAR OLD AGAIN???

I keep thinking about hitting her up when I go home, now that I’m more comfortable with a human body. Guys when she said she’d do anything I want, she meant it, and I’m sure ya’ll can appreciate how tempting that is. But I would literally be using her as a sex doll, there is 0 romantic attraction here, just sex. People have casual sex all the time but is it different for us? For me? I mean shit I should be thinking about the girl my age I have in front of me, but a 34 year old willing to let me use her however I want? I just can’t stop thinking about that lately.

EDIT: Thanks guys, every once in a while she pops into my head and I need someone to talk some sense into me.