So after 85 days I basically relapsed yesterday. I wasn't even thinking and just pulled out my phone and searched for a video I used to watch on p-hub. I ended up stopping myself after about 30 seconds, if only because I couldn't find it in search results, so on one hand I didn't actually watch any porn, but on the other I still saw thumbnails and still probably would have watched it if I'd found it. I'm so tempted to say it wasn't a relapse, just because I've gotten so far now, but I think it was.

But I'm as worried about that, since I made it almost three months without, and I know I'll go even longer this time! My issue is that when my partner saw my history and confronted me about it, I tried to lie about it. I wanted to deny it and pretend it never happened, and we've has issues in the past with me lying about watching porn. (This was the main thing that made me realize it was a real addiction and not just a bad habit)

As soon as I started trying to deny it, in my head I was thinking, "just tell her, you know it would be better just to admit it and she'd be fine with such a small slip up. Why are you lying it's right there in the history you know you did she knows you did. " After a good thirty seconds I finally snapped out of it and just told her what happened. We worked through it, but my main issue is still the reflexive lying about it. Logically I know and believe that it would be so so so much better just to tell her right out, that lying is the problem and not porn, but I couldn't make myself stop right away, even though in my head I didn't want to keep talking.

Does anyone have similar experiences, where you tried to lie reflexively? I've really tried to work on it and even did better than last time I messed up, but I still feel that my partner didn't deserve to be lied to at all and I hate that automatic lie more than the actual porn addiction. Any advice from folks in similar situations?