Right now, at this very moment, the urge is strong. Like my life depends on it strong. And I know it is there to cope and dampen the anxiety arising from various setbacks over the last few weeks. I am compassionate and I don’t hate myself for it.

And at the back of my mind I know what it will lead to if I give in to these urges - ultimately I will only feel worse anxiety. I know that the best way to make me feel less anxious is to push through it in order to get on with my day and get a few things off my to do list.

Yet here I am struggling. It’s almost like there is a disconnect between my rational self and my addicted self.

Right now - I am going to rely on to two techniques: thinking of how I would advise a friend in the same situation and sitting with the feeling for 2 mins.

It feels like I have been here so many times. Back and forth. Recovery and addiction. And each time I think the recovery will last it doesn’t. I am so tired and fed up.