For the last 6-7 years I've had an addiction to drugs, for some periods when I've been incarcerated, I stop but when released its weeks before I kick back off.

When I'm on drugs slowly over the years I've gotten progressively worse in watching fetish porn, trans, cuck and whatever else.

The problem lies where while im on drugs and watching these types of porn, I trick myself into believing I'm actually into that. So I go find escorts to live out these drug fuelled fantasys but everytime I do it, as soon as I'm done I hate myself Nd genuinely don't like it and tell myself I'll never do it again.

It's really becoming a problem for me, I have so many things go through my head that's not healthy.

The last 2 years I found the girl of my dreams, beautiful, smart and funny. I was off drugs because she doesn't use drugs and is completely anti drugs. About 7 months in we had a really messy break up to where I got back on drugs. I didnt tell her this due to embarrassment so when we got back together I hid my drug use.

Now I'm back in addiction mode, the porn restarts and I'm back to the same shit. Recently my partner has seen things on my phone regarding drugs and has investigated further and found trans escorts and BDSM mistresses.

I've now come clean with everything but I can't convince her that Im actually attracted to her and what I have been doing is due to my addiction. It's so hard because I genuinely want to spend the rest of my life with her and now she thinks so much differently of me.

I need advice, or help. I hate myself for this shit :(