A huge part of my relationship with porn is about collecting. I will collect anything i like, including porn. I guess it's just a part of how my mind works.

Anyways, i'm usually pretty chill with my collections but with porn i get this overwhelming feeling that there is so much of it out there that i would like but i haven't seen or collected yet, even though i already have tons of it. I guess it's related to the grip porn has on my brain. I've been trying to have periods of time where i don't watch it at all and it's been going surprisingly well, but sooner or later i'll be back to it. I've never been able to bring myself to delete my collection because i fear i'll have another one of these relapses, with the added anxiety that i deleted it all and have to do it again.

I'm not even into any particular stuff, but a lot of it is scenes with particular stars that i like a lot aesthetically or scenes where the star is wearing a particular piece of clothing and so on... Like i really love the female body (i feel like a nerd writing this) and i feel like watching porn lets me appreciate it in a way that nothing else can.

On the other hand, the thought is starting to creep in that if i keep wasting all this time and energy on it, i might never find a real woman of my own.