The quote, coined by Ben Franklin and popularized by Mark Twain states that there are only 2 certainties in life:

Death and Taxes.

However what Franklin and Twain both failed to account for, was my undying loyalty to the Blue Raspberry poptart. Thus, the 3 certainties in life are instead:

Death, Taxes, and that u/randomlycombust will wake up every day in agony, trapped in a world that has shunned the blue raspberry poptart, and by extension, shunned him.

It doesn’t matter which kind. I enjoyed them when they were white frosted with a blue pattern, following the motif of the ever-popular Wildberry. I enjoyed them when they were nautically themed, including fun pictures of mermaid tails with which to imagine the freedom of the open water. A freedom catalyzed by the taste of blue raspberry in your mouth.

I ate them raw, straight from the package. Like an animal I tore into the shiny silver wrap and feasted on whatever cute pattern or picture awaited me on the inside.

I ate them toasted. How God intended, pulling them from the red hot coils and setting them on fine paper china. Some days the intoxicating bouquet would drive me mad, and I’d burn the roof of my mouth and cheeks inhaling the treat. The burn I’ve come to know well, attempting to replicate my blue raspberry glory days with imposter tarts. Blueberry dares stand in his place, as if color alone can make me move on. I remain loyal.

4 years. Soon to be 5, have I lived in a world without my light. My rectangular and blue light, potentially with a cartoon mermaid somewhere in there.

4 years. Soon to be 5.