So I was heavily involved in the kink world. I used to find that dating exclusively vanilla people would "lack" something and I found myself exploring various kink and fetish communities. However, I always knew I was monogamous and because I found myself in relationships with people that treated me awfully, my self esteem was low and I found comfort in these kinky worlds that offered support, friends and a place to share who I was.

I found myself playing with people from these sites and up until a certain point it worked for me, as I was getting fulfillment from my kinks. But I would always feel incredibly lonely and want a normal relationship, and convinced myself it wasn't possible because of my luck with partners and my lack of interest in vanilla sex.

About 2 years ago, I met a guy on one of these websites. We'll call him Jack. Jack and I got talking and it quickly became intense. He was in an open relationship. He told me that his partner, T, allowed him to have play partners and explore a kink we shared as she didn't enjoy it and was basically on the asexual spectrum. This moment is when my self esteem went to shit, and I should've turned and ran.

Jack and I started playing, and it was casual, fun and easy at first. But eventually we started talking constantly, meeting up more and falling for each other. We had an emotional connection and admitted feelings. I remember everytime I would bring up my feelings with Jack, he would shut me down and make me feel like any romantic or wanted feelings were wrong. He knew his partner wouldn't be happy about them, but still would come back to see me and we'd continue getting closer.

One day he told me he had really fallen for me and didn't know what to do. He told me T was freaking out about how much time we were spending together. I told him I didn't think I could continue seeing him as my feelings were too strong, and I wanted more.. I wanted romance, being close with him and felt like a void I was filling.

This all happened over the span of months but he came back to me at one point and told me T was happy with us dating. As in, Jack would date T and I separately from each other. I found this suspicious because any conversation we had up until that point, he'd told me T was very uncomfortable with the things we were doing... for example, how late we'd stay out if we were playing, and didn't want us to kiss as it was crossing a line.

So it came as a surprise. But we started dating, and it was magical. I fell head over heels. I was besotted with this man. And in the back of my mind, I wanted him for myself. Over time, he'd open up to me about his relationship with T - how he couldn't enjoy vanilla sex with her anymore, but felt he could with me. How she didn't do chores around the house. How unhappy he was with her and if she ever closed the relationship to his kinks, he'd leave her. I asked him why he was with her. He told me he didn't know. So I always felt like the more "chosen" one, despite his actions not making me feel this way. Because, at the end of the day, he was still with her.

It started to make me feel uncomfortable after around a month of dating when I realized I was not the primary partner, and T was. It wasn't a situation where he was dating us equally, and he'd made it out to be that with the things he'd told me. But obviously their families were involved, they were basically a long term couple who went on vacations together, and I was a secret from his real life. I ended up asking him one night if he'd ever consider going monogamous with me. He told me couldn't, and that he felt like he "owed" the relationship to T as they'd been together for so long. It didn't make sense that he'd vent to me continuously, even crying, and I'd feel like his therapist whenever he'd tell me about how unsatisfied he was with her.

One day he told me he hadn't been truthful with me. That T didn't actually know we were "dating" and that she just thought I was a really special play partner. I was so in love by this point that I shrugged it off and was willing to continue on. I asked to talk to her on the phone at this point, as I wasn't fully convinced she knew about me at all. Jack agreed, and I talked to her - she was okay with it, and when I asked Jack afterwards why, he told me that to her, he was everything to her and she wanted to be with him for life and was willing to let him do all this as long as he stayed with her.

In the back of my mind I saw nothing but red flags and knew deep down that he wouldn't ever be mine unless he left the relationship, but for some reason I was blind to this and kept dating him despite not being in his real life and feeling so bad. I just thought eventually he would leave as what we had was insane - we would meet constantly to have sex, kiss, hang out and he told me he felt more for me than T in every way. Again, I'd go home and question why we were in this situation if this was the case.

Eventually I got tired of this, the more my feelings developed and by this point it was around a year and a half that we'd started this. I was always the second option, despite being told "eventually" he might be with me properly, he just couldn't leave his primary partner and his feelings were real for me. I wasn't in his life, and he wasn't in mine. I felt like I was being used as a void to fill for what he wasn't getting with T. And I asked him where this was all going, and if it was nowhere, I wanted to end things.

To my surprise, Jack was super chill about this and told me to do what I wanted, which made me break down. I thought he'd be a bit upset. He explained that he wanted me to be happy. I told him he made me happy, and I didn't understand why we couldn't have a monogamous relationship if we basically were in one. He cried and told me that he was a coward and didn't want to abandon his relationship of this many years, and that it made him feel "uneasy and uncomfortable" that I kept pressuring him to.

So I backed down, and told him it was fine. My feelings were so strong that I wanted him in any way possible, even knowing he was going home to her and their home, and I didn't have that with him.

We grew closer and our sex life was amazing. Him and T did not have one, and about two months ago is when it started to change when T realized that we were becoming more seriously involved and it was no longer just light dating that was lasting a while. She got jealous and Jack told me she felt threatened by the fact that we got on so well in the bedroom. So she started to force herself to do these kinky things again that she wasn't comfortable with, despite them not having any sex for years before. I felt like something was wrong with this, but Jack would tell me he thought it was nice she was making effort. I knew that one of the main reasons he was unhappy with her was because their sex life was no existent and he needed what he had with me, so I got worried, and he told me not to. But then he also made comments like... if she kept making effort like this, maybe their romance would come back.

Around a month ago is when I got a phone call from him explaining that T had been feeling super uncomfortable with our relationship for a while, that she felt it had went too far from just being play partners on a website, and she didn't want us to date, or even talk, anymore. I started crying as it was so out of the blue and I'd gave up so much of my body, my energy, my time and feelings to Jack. He cried and told me he didn't want this, but had to respect his primary partner. I asked him if everything he'd said were true, and he told me yes, but that his relationship came first. He said he was unsure if it would last, as she can't provide for him the way I can, and he said that even though she was trying, he wasn't feeling like it was the same as it was with us, but that he can get it from others on the sites, but he was scared he'd regret losing someone like me. He asked if he can contact me in the future if his circumstances change.

I felt the lowest I'd ever felt in my life. I'd felt like this person was everything to me, despite looking back and realizing the situation I was in. I believed him everytime he vented to me about her, and thought he really was just struggling to end things. I thought he needed time and I supported him through that. I felt like a second option, as if it didn't work out and he realized he didn't want to spend his life with her, he could come back to me. I couldn't believe that it was all ending just like that and I realized my life had been dictated by another person for the past year.

Yes, it was my fault as I'd entered into this when I really wanted monogamy. But I only realize that now. I feel like I was never enough, and that relationship made me feel like I was worthless, and not good enough to deserve proper love and be his primary partner. But at the same time. I know so much about their relationship that I wonder if she is respected any more than me, because he bases the good of their relationship on whether she can provide for him.

But he still chose her, and I feel so unwanted, unloved and like I meant nothing. Even though I know that what we had was amazing, I knew in the back of my head it wasn't real and he wasn't going to give me that. I just believed him that the two dating thing could work for the moment while he needed time to decide, and I feel stupid for thinking that.

I know deep down that I don't want to be in T's position. I don't want to feel that even if he was my primary partner, he's still unsure and seeking other options. But it still hurts.

People like Jack have made me question my worth and leave me feeling sad. These people think that people are just objects to serve their happiness. Never anything about what I wanted, or what made me happy. He will continue on to meet others probably to get his sexual, emotional needs met. These people use others to fill a void that their partner isn't giving them, but yet won't ever leave their partner and if feelings develop with someone else, they will let it continue just so they can be happy and let someone dedicate their life to them just so they can have it all.

I know some people look down on secondary partners, and I did know he was in an relationship. But I listened to this persons problems, I believed him when he said he was unhappy and that maybe in the future if circumstances change he'd be with me. But it feels insulting, and these people don't see it. I feel so empty dealing with people who are just so "casual" about people's feelings and happiness. Oh, he'd be so happy if his partner left because he'd just come back to me or find lots of people on these sites to have sex with. Oh, he'd be so happy when I leave because he has his partner. Oh, he'd be so happy with any outcome because he knows there are endless sources there to make him happy. What about true love? What about commitment, not always seeking people for parts of yourself? I feel so lost and it made me quit the kinky community, it made me not want to date in the vanilla world either.

Any advice? I just wanted to share this anyway, because it's left me feeling so upset and alone, not just because of my situation, but seeing how these people view the world and other people. It's like they have no feelings at all, unless it's someone they've known for a while and even that is probably just feeling guilty. But for me, it seemed so easy for him to just throw me away. Even if he felt so strongly, it's not worth it to him to try and work on anything or do anything that might give him security, real love or value. I just am so upset. Thanks for this community as it's helped me through this and made me feel like there are others who also think this is an awful way to treat people and it's all done in a way that makes you feel like you're supposed to accept it and be okay with it, and you feel like you're going insane. Anyway, I just feel so alone. Thanks for reading if you did.