My partner and I were good friends for a bit more than half a year before I chose to do my studies abroad. At that time, we were physically close because of activities and creating an emotional bond. We started dating and then I moved on the other side of the planet and long distance has taken a toll on us.

Before my partner, I had only dated more casually or solo poly or situationship, but now dating as anchor partners and feeling a bit too in love. I have seen myself slowly let go on societal expectations of a monogamous life and have felt resistance, but do see a lovely poly future. I do love hard and have been doing a lot of emotional labor in the relationship (bringing up questions, reading polysecure together, finding ways to community better, understanding my partners needs, telling my partner my needs and how to meet them, etc). Been trying to pull back so I don’t become fixer and I also had some other stuff come to the surface that I needed to put every to put energy to, but when i did that I realized I was the glue and now I feel the relationship is on thin ice.

Additionally, my partner had broken up with their long term partner a year before we started dating, but now I am realizing that they were still close during that whole process and in my eyes, never decoupled. My partner feels proud that they are no longer codependent on their ex, but for me I see more and more clearly that their ex are prioritized over me.

I want a stable, secure, anchor (or primary) partner, but at this moment, I live in fear regarding our relationship and have panic attacks nearly weekly. I have brought up things that could help and my feelings to my partner. They validate them, but don’t put in action.

Does anyone have any tips? I feel guilty that I don’t fit the way my partner want to be poly and have been feeling that I am compromising to the point of nearly loosing my self stability and therefore unable to be emotionally available for others that I want to date.