TL;DR: My anxiety and insecurity destroyed my relationship and held a brutal mirror up to me. I'm doing all the work to heal my shit to be a better partner, but feel so disheartened, guilty, and hopeless. I could use some reassurance from other people about their journey through discovering their own wounds, making big mistakes, growing and healing, and eventually becoming the partner that they can be proud of and having happy, healthy relationships.

A couple weeks ago my (38/M) anxious attachment was triggered to a massive level and "let" my insecurities completely spiral my mind and false narratives out of control. Broke up with my partner in a bad way without even talking to her or getting more info first and destroyed what might have had the chance to stay in each other's lives. It's been a major mirror that has clearly showed me childhood wounds, how emotionally unstable I can get from certain triggers, and what I need to work on to be an emotionally safe partner. These patterns have been a part of all my other relationships and I'm now seeing them clearly.

I immediately started an EFT Tapping program to address the old wounds, narratives, and nervous system dysregulation, and stress management biofeedback sessions. Working with a counselor on how ADHD effects emotions. Really getting clear on what I need to feel secure in a relationship so I can show up as my best self.

But with everything I'm seeing, how guilty I'm feeling, and how shocked I am that I got to that level, I'm having trouble believing I'll be able to be the kind of partner I want to be, and that I'm doomed to keep making the same mistakes. I know I can work on some of my wounds on my own, but many of them also need to be worked on in a relationship where they actually are present and active. And I'm depressed, exhausted, and miss her literally every minute of every day.

I'm feeling really down and hopeless. Can anyone offer insight on their journey through CNM, making their mistakes, ruining relationships, and actually growing to a place where you've been able to build a happy and healthy relationship?