I’m not exactly sure what I’m looking for with this post — possibly just validation — or maybe just to diet vent a bit. Suggestions, especially for literature or media that might help, are welcome, though. I’d prefer others on the spectrum, but I’m open to most opinions.

I’m 44, male, cis, and soft diagnosis with ASD (I say soft because my therapist is comfortable saying “yes,” but I don’t have any need for accommodations, so I haven’t gone to get anything official). I have been non-mono for close to 20 years.

I’ve always gravitated toward ENM because it allows me to have relationships much more broadly on my terms, meaning boundaries, consent, and specific expectations have been par for the course. Having recently (2023) been diagnosed, this makes a lot of sense to me.

This year has been me trying to be more intentional in unmasking, working with my therapist on coping mechanisms, and trying to really recognize and manage my triggers.

I know that I have been doing the latter, but I feel like my partner is mostly just “brush it off” instead of actively helping me with things. A bit like the difference between “not being racist” and “being anti-racist.” Both are good, but one is actually pro-active. This has been really frustrating for me because I don’t have any friends on the spectrum, and my only real advocate is my therapist, which means that day-to-day and week-to-week I’m doing most of the work myself, and that has fed a lot into my sense of isolation.

I’m not sure how or if I can bring this up to my partner, mostly because I know they will be reactive and make it about them — which happens a lot when I express a boundary, concern, or trigger. “I” have to manage the behavior; “I” have to work on things. While I’m very much someone who owns their shit, I also know that my brain is not always under my control, so telling me to just “fix it” is really hurtful.

I love this woman tremendously because she’s a very caring, grace-filled person, and I know she does care for me. I’m just a bit at a loss with how to tell her I need more support directly from her without feeling like I’m being overly-needy or like I can’t manage my own issues.

I’ve done some of my own research for books, articles, podcast, etc., but I’m sure there are plenty I’ve missed. I’m always still working through a lot of dissection to determine what’s masking, what’s tisms, what’s social conditioning, and what might be ptsd (I’m a whole package), so suggestions on ways to better delve into those things personally and cooperatively would be helpful.