(N for nonbinary, please use they/them for anyone listed as N)

i have been in a relationship with my partner (30N, i'll call them A) since early 2023. we've had some bumps like any relationship does, but i trust them completely and i love them so much. a few months ago, i started getting close with a friend of 2 years (24N, i'll call them B) we both confessed that we had crushes on each other (we are pretty transparent given our neurodivergence) and i told A about it. they had been wondering given how close we'd been becoming, and i assured them nothing happened, which is still true.

friends were saying it would fade and that i would be able to move on, so i did my best to distance myself from how i felt. we were able to establish boundaries for B and me (no erp as we both come from an online roleplaying background and limiting compliments on physical appearance just to ensure no one would be uncomfortable), and that was that.

B lives overseas, and when i was planning for a trip to visit another friend in a country nearby, B and a mutual friend (23F, i'll call her C) set up plans to meet in B's city. the trip is going fantastic and the three of us are bonding well and having a wonderful time. B & C had mentioned before that they were curious about having a casual sexual relationship, which i knew before the trip. they have not done anything in person that i know of, but also that wouldn't bother me if i didn't know and they had.

we were watching a movie when the site started buffering. i went to fix it and C asked B if they could teach her how to give good head. i immediately felt uncomfortable, as i felt like i needed to remove myself from the situation to allow them to have the space they needed. i started slipping into a spiral, so i messaged a groupchat about what had happened. one of the friends in the groupchat asked if i was jealous given the history between me and B. i said no bc i believed it. the question shoved me right into the center of a spiral. B had been messaging me to check in as they are often someone i reach out to when i am having a bad time with my mental health. at first i didn't really want to be around them, but i felt my spiral getting a bit worse so i said they could sit next to me to help if the spiral got any worse (it did, but i got out of it safely).

i realized that i had been jealous and that part of me wanted to cheat. i wanted to kiss B and be intimate with them, which made me feel disgusting. having been cheated on before, i'd rather die than be a cheater. i was honest with B about how i felt, and they comforted me and said they respected me more for feeling that strongly and still standing my ground, given so many people fail to resist feelings like that all the time. they only wanted me to be safe, and they'd never put me in a tough situation given how vulnerable i was. i texted A that i think i am polyamorous and that i still have feelings for B. they were calm and wanted to make sure i was doing ok given my spiral. they said they had never considered polyamory for themself, so they didn't have any thoughts at the moment.

i am still reeling and i feel like an awful person for even thinking about cheating, let alone wanting to. i'm not sure where my relationship with A is going to go, as i totally understand if polyamory is not for them. i just know that a lot may change and i am terrified for what the future holds

i'm very new to the idea of being polyamorous, though i know a lot about the community as i have a love for learning about the queer community and our history