I was only diagnosed three years ago and it explained so much.

I've been trying to have polyamorous relationships on and off since 2008, and the only time it's ever worked is when I was solo poly, yet I keep trying to have a nesting or primary partner.

I've been in a relationship with my current partner for six years and it has been amazing and full of growth and inspired me to finally go to therapy and dig up my childhood drama, but it has also been a constant battle to behave in a way that does not upset her, even before we opened up.

We only opened up three or four months ago, but it's been a shit show since. I get excited and do things I think are acceptable and then she has a reaction to my spontaneity that makes it a problem. We try to schedule things and I am always just a little bit chaotic which drives her crazy and makes her unsecure when I mess up the schedule in a way that seems to prioritize our relationship.

And I look back at all the relationships I had before I got diagnosed and it's just the same over and over again.

This is part rant, part looking for commiseration, part how do I fix this... but also part of just admitting to myself that I might not be capable of having a home base relationship.

Thanks for listening.