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Facing down divorce, serial monogamist. Am I solo poly?
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Iā€™m late-30s, nb. Iā€™ve been a serial monogamist my entire 20s up until now, 3 serious long term relationships. This latest one is imploding. Iā€™m facing down all the complaints that my partner had about me and itā€™s making me wonder if I just should never consider a relationship structure with a primary partner again. These complaints are:

  • I donā€™t make room for his needs & wants in the relationship though he admittedly has a hard time advocating for himself and is a people pleaser
  • I refuse to put myself into situations I find out of my comfort zone or ā€œsacrificeā€ my enjoyment for the sake of my partner. Things like tolerating activities or company of people I donā€™t enjoy. I donā€™t ask for the same in return but my partner often will do so because they think this is just what partners do for each other.

This has meant weā€™ve grown in pretty different directions, to the point of leading separate lives during some weeks while Iā€™m exploring my passions and hobbies I donā€™t share w my partner. We tried being open and that didnā€™t work out well so weā€™re functionally monogamous. I donā€™t mind this arrangement even if sometimes I want more.

I do enjoy the intimacy and connection of cohabitating and having someone to ā€œcome home to,ā€ but I feel selfish and broken for enjoying these things while ultimately leaving the other party unsatisfied with what I can offer. I value my own agency and autonomy a lot, and I really only want to do things with my time that resonates. I am willing to try new things, but Iā€™ve got a pretty clear sense of what my lifeā€™s passions are and I donā€™t deviate a ton from those activities.

Iā€™ve been reading a bit about solo poly and honestly itā€™s been a breath of fresh air. Itā€™s crazy what compulsory heteronormativity and monogamy relationship structure does to a person. Iā€™ve always felt pressured to enter into the confines of a traditional marriage and here I am finding out it never was what I wanted or could offer.

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2 months ago