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Iām late-30s, nb. Iāve been a serial monogamist my entire 20s up until now, 3 serious long term relationships. This latest one is imploding. Iām facing down all the complaints that my partner had about me and itās making me wonder if I just should never consider a relationship structure with a primary partner again. These complaints are:
- I donāt make room for his needs & wants in the relationship though he admittedly has a hard time advocating for himself and is a people pleaser
- I refuse to put myself into situations I find out of my comfort zone or āsacrificeā my enjoyment for the sake of my partner. Things like tolerating activities or company of people I donāt enjoy. I donāt ask for the same in return but my partner often will do so because they think this is just what partners do for each other.
This has meant weāve grown in pretty different directions, to the point of leading separate lives during some weeks while Iām exploring my passions and hobbies I donāt share w my partner. We tried being open and that didnāt work out well so weāre functionally monogamous. I donāt mind this arrangement even if sometimes I want more.
I do enjoy the intimacy and connection of cohabitating and having someone to ācome home to,ā but I feel selfish and broken for enjoying these things while ultimately leaving the other party unsatisfied with what I can offer. I value my own agency and autonomy a lot, and I really only want to do things with my time that resonates. I am willing to try new things, but Iāve got a pretty clear sense of what my lifeās passions are and I donāt deviate a ton from those activities.
Iāve been reading a bit about solo poly and honestly itās been a breath of fresh air. Itās crazy what compulsory heteronormativity and monogamy relationship structure does to a person. Iāve always felt pressured to enter into the confines of a traditional marriage and here I am finding out it never was what I wanted or could offer.
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