Please refrain from flogging me too much. I am new and have already had traumatic experiences navigating polyamory. I’m now in therapy for this . Additionally, I’m neurodivergent so certain things aren’t ’obvious’ to me.

Basically, my partners wife has been very manipulative and VERY hostile towards me. Not the point of this post, but context is needed. I’ve been seeing Jack for several months now and despite the above, things have been going well.

Jack’s wife ( Destiny ) is leaving the country for 6 months and their shared space ( they live with other ppl his best friends) will now be his space. Or so I thought. They were meant to be denesting permanently ( they’ve been planning this for several months). Anyway, now I’ve discovered that this is no longer fixed and it’s an ‘ongoing conversation’. No confirmation yet, but I’m 80% sure she’ll be staying at his/their place when she returns.

What’s the point? The point is I’ve expressed that I’m worried that Destiny will weaponise this and say that he can’t have anyone round/ including sleepovers whilst she’s away. I know my issue lies with Jack and we have scheduled a radar to discuss some things. I’m worried that she’ll use this to further control the relationship, especially now that they almost got divorced. They are going to therapy now and she’s had to start seeing someone individually too ( again, to address the manipulative and borderline narc tendencies)

As I’ve said she has been very abusive through text and has violated several boundaries. She sent a non apology text, through him, and honestly it just cemented that I do not want to be around someone like that. I don’t want to engage or indulge their behavior.

I know I have agency here. I know that Destiny can make requests and it’s up to Jack to set boundaries. But, I’d like to know if asking that partner not to have a sleepover for 6 months, whilst she’s out of the country is reasonable.

I’m feeling very stuck and can’t help, but feel like this is just a continuation of her controlling behavior. In the beginning, when we were just friends she insisted that he couldn’t have spontaneous meet ups with me… There was a weird casual/unwritten curfew imposed, that was quickly dropped. Then when things seemed to get better, she used an undiagnosed medical condition/her anxiety to demand that he cancel one of our plans. She’s been very angry that he fell in love with me and I him.

My partner has DEEP issues with setting and reinforcing boundaries. He knows this and is getting help for it. So, I guess this makes me really uncomfortable…