Quick context: I met a couple a while ago at an event. At the time, I knew nothing about polyamory, though I had been approached by a poly person several years prior. We hit it off—Reuben (m-31) and my now-meta, Daphne (f-29), were both attracted to me, and I (f-25) to them. For the first two weeks, I mostly chatted with Reuben, as Daphne wasn’t much of a texter and was busy with work and studies. I didn’t take it personally. Things were going well, and we were planning to hang out as a threesome. But out of nowhere, I got a rather cold text from Daphne, saying they wouldn’t be moving forward for reasons that would make me too easily identifiable. Reuben sent a similar text, but his was kinder. We didn’t speak for over a year, and I moved on. Daphne unfollowed me on social media, but Reuben kept following me.

Fast forward a year, they opened their relationship again at Daphne's request. When Reuben approached me, he told me they were dating separately and only kissing people to take things slow and figure out their feelings. It sounded odd to me, but I wasn’t too concerned since I wasn’t really in a place to date at the time. It was more of a friendship vibe.

After nearly two months of friendship, Reuben kissed me. The following week, he kissed me again, and I felt sparks. Even then, I was happy to keep things relaxed. We weren’t sleeping together and had no immediate plans to do so.

However, 24 hours after that kiss, Daphne expressed discomfort with the pace of things. She thought Reuben had deceived her about our relationship, but he hadn’t. I had always been clear that I wasn’t ready for anything serious until I sorted out some big life admin, though I was happy to get to know him without pressure.

After 2 ½ months, Reuben and I told each other we were falling in love. But we had little physical contact, saw each other less often, and even refrained from saying we loved each other for several months. I didn’t initially realize the warmth I felt around him wasn’t just friendship—it was deeper. I tried convincing myself it was limerence, trauma-informed feelings, or NRE, but loving him came so easily. I dove into researching polyamory, wanting to ensure I was equipped to handle the challenges and ensure that I was doing the right thing for myself. They did zero work from the time I met them last year. They did zero work before opening this year and meta didn’t think she needed to do anything and still doesn’t really.

Over the next several months, Daphne repeatedly said the pace was too fast for her .

• She told us we couldn’t have spontaneous meetups, for whatever reason. Tried that once and things blew up, which is partly why we stopped kissing to make her feel better ( I’m a noob, I didn’t know this was silly)

• There was a weird curfew-like rule at one point. For example we had booked tickets to see a live show and hinge was worried about getting back late ( show finished at 9pm), because meta had expressed that she gets upset when he’s making these sort of connections with me = love

• We stopped kissing, to make her feel better. —our first two kisses were in April, and our next one didn’t happen until August.

• Although they opened their relationship with the agreement to only kiss others, Daphne slept with someone else 2 months later. Reuben, however, was still not allowed to kiss me or have spontaneous meetups. However, she was upset that Reuben was developing feelings for me, even though we had only kissed once at that point and had no other physical contact. She was fine with physical stuff, but the “love” part bothered her.

• Reuben wasn’t allowed to kiss or be intimate with me, but she permitted him to have a casual relationship with someone he wasn’t interested in. It never happened because she sent me an abusive text.

• After a long break, they claimed they were doing “the work” to allow more autonomy in their dynamic. That lasted a week. Daphne then asked Reuben to cancel two trips we had planned because they coincided with her period, even though it wasn’t due for a month and she was struggling to emotionally regulate.

• We canceled one trip, and she “approved” the other. But two days after we returned, she texted me saying I ruined her marriage.She told him to pick between me and her…

A bunch of other stuff has happened, but these are the main things. I should add that, there will be no more escalations in our relationship for an undefined amount of time because she’s uncomfortable with the pace. I can’t meet their mutual friends, I’ve met other friends. I can’t meet family ( I don’t really mind tbh). Etc etc

Am I being unreasonable here? Reuben and I didn’t sleep together until 6 months in, and even then, only twice. Now she’s leaving the country for a year but is still saying the pace is too much for her. Reuben has started apologizing, saying he didn’t expect to fall in love with me so quickly… but isn’t falling in love with care the whole point?

I get opening slowly, but should there still be these restrictions after half a year? I should add that whilst they claim to not want hierarchy ( I’m not referring to them living together, having kids etc), her behaviour seems to be the anthesis of what she claims to want? Hinge has been very clear that he doesn’t want poly if there is a disposability baked in. I’m feeling really disturbed by her behavior… she’s never making requests, she initiates full blown meltdowns if things don’t go the way she wants and if she can’t do that, she tries to sabotage our relationship in other ways under the guise of having really random undiagnosed conditions or fabricating ( to an extent) certain events, that frame her partner as a cheater…or me as the woman who ruins marriages. We’ve mostly only ever done things that she wants and it doesn’t seem like enough