Xposting from the r/polyamory board bc it might fit better here,

Hi all, got in a big fight with my wife about her new Situationship. I try to be respectful and removed from her relationships, but she's been talking nonstop about new friend, has huge NRE and wanted us to all hang out at this upcoming Halloween party at a local club (she's been dodgy on the details of this friend, she clearly wants them to be a thing but I'm not sure if this woman is poly or not, partner has said no theyre just friends and this woma is happily married mono, but claimed yesterday during the fight they were talking about the possibility of being more) Wanting more info about tickets, vibe, ect I went to the clubs Facebook page, and pinned to the top is photos from last year, the very first photo is "new friend" from last year's party dressed in a couples costume with her husband that was her as battered woman and him in his normal clothes. I took extreme offense, in 2023 she should know better, and I'm a survivor of domestic abuse. Partner and I met as I was trying to get away from my physically abusive ex bf 10 years ago, they witnessed my bruises and trauma first hand. I showed it to partner, and bc of several other stances I'm pretty vocally against (new friend is ex-pro military and anti Vax, im anti military and pro vax) made a clear statement of "you can't control her but she's publicly engaging in shit like this, I don't want to associate with her." Partner got very upset and feels like I'm "forcing her to chose". I'm trying to check myself and genuinely Wonder what poly couples do in situations like this. I always kind of assumed we shared core beliefs in our 10 year marriage, and that 'DV isn't a Halloween costume' was something that would be a deal breaker if we were dating. It's now been about a week, partner hasn't asked her about it, and when I expressed yesterday "hey your silence on this is hurting me because it feels like you're putting your own comfort and her possible accountability as more important than the social issue (they both make it about 90% of their personalities to be feminists. They post exclusively feminist content, go to Paris Paloma shows and wear all the tiktok woman warrior merch, ect) and it's hurting me as your wife and a survivor of dv. Partner responded by saying I had no right to judge her based on her friends actions, that I only cared about this issue bc its a new potential relationship and I'm jealous, and that as a trans woman, it's too hard for her to find partners so she's having a hard time talking to this friend because she's afraid of losing her. She also made it clear that I'm not perfect, I was texting a guy in a relationship a few years ago, I was unfaithful before we opened our marriage, and because of that I have no right to pass judgement.

I'm kind of disgusted by the whole interaction to be frank. This isnt a partner, its a maybe someday friend. I'm not jealous, I'm 33 and comfortable in my body. I know who I am and what I stand for. Domestic violence as a halloween costume in 2023 is tacky and she claims to stand for more. While I have no care or control over her past choices, I did expect my wife to say something. She says it have before they met, it's none of her business. So, check me reddit - am I in the wrong here by judging my partner because they aren't saying anything? Is that too much of me to ask? And am I being oversensitive? It's difficult because I do have a few solid, long term connections and wife has not had anything meaningful since we came out as poly like 4 years ago, so I understand her desire to overlook things and I'm trying to not ruin anything she might find, regardless of my feelings on the person. But I do think this seems like a pretty big jump, and it's making me think "is my partner the type of person that will stand up for that they believe in". Idk I partially needed to get this off my chest to a group that understands the nuances of being poly, and I partially need advice on if this is me making a big deal of nothing. Thanks y'all