I was in a longterm relationship with my previous partner for almost 20 years. We met when I was pretty young. We began as polyamorous (I had another partner when we met and we were all friends). That partnership ended and she became my primary partner and eventually wife. We flopped around from open, poly, open for group stuff and eventually de facto closed because she was so controlling and abusive at the end, I didn't even have friends. It was complicated and a story for another day.

When we split, I was lonely, touch starved, and seeking companionship and autonomy. I hadn't had sex or been cuddled in years and I was basically shattered as a person in terms of seeing a clear path of my future. I was also actively healing and in therapy.

I got on tinder for hookups and extremely casual connections. While I typically date women, I found men seeking hookups easier to connect with and mostly dated men for ease.

My profile basically said looking for casual and not into monogamy. I had some cute pics that showed off my "assets". I didn't explain anything more because I just wanted to have drinks and sex with nice people. Nothing more.

My story was my own and I was still processing it. If people wanted more, that was valid. But I wasn't the person for them.

Because I was regrouping and still living with my ex. I had, literally, no idea what I wanted longterm. Which was healthy!! I wasn't ready decide. I needed time to just be.

I didn't know if I ever wanted to marry again, live with a partner, or even be in love. I was in day to day mode.

I met a lot of great people. Many in the same situation as me give or take. A lot of people in their late 30s and 40s who were divorced or recently single. People who didn't know if the vision they had for their life as a young person still resonated with their now 40ish self. We were all mostly kind to each other. Some folks were messier than others. We were human together and it was mostly fun.

I swiped on a very good looking man who's entire profile was cute pics of him and a nonsensical bio that was a weird short story/joke. I figured he was either very funny or crazy. Or both. But he was cute. He didn't say what he had done in the past or what he wanted for the future. I assumed he also wanted very casual since he wasn't taking anything very serious. I cared about nothing else. My intentions were short term focused.

We started chatting and it turns out he was also just out of a very longterm relationship. We were both in the position of having spent most of our adult life with a partner we chose in our early 20s and now being single and ready to mingle. His previous relationship was also non-mono and complicated, but thats not my story to tell.

I was intrigued. Not because I was seeking a longterm non-mono partner. But because it was refreshing to chat with an intelligent and articulate person with common experiences.

We went on a date and had fire chemistry!!!

We started meeting weekly for sex. We had some conversations, but mostly sex for a few months.

We got to know each other slowly. We had no intention for an end point. No big discussions about agreements. We just spent time together and talked and learned about each other.

Eventually, we fell in love. At the 9 month mark we made some agreements about disclosing other partners.

At the....18 month mark? My memory is fuzzy, we agreed to be primary partners and see if that was going to work.

We created our relationship together. It wasnt what either of us might have predicted that we wanted if you'd forced us to say when we first met. It was something we built together over time with love and respect.

We are now happier than we've ever been in our life.

We never deceived each other. But we didn't follow a "perfect" map of how we discussed non-monogamy or the shape of relationship we wanted. We were just people who met for sex and found... brand new lives together better than we ever dared to dream of.

Our only regret is not meeting sooner. That is the greatest sadness of my life. That it took so long.

Its ok to be vulnerable, honest, and improvising. Life is weird and complicated and full of lovely people figuring out who they are and how to survive and find joy.

So anyone out there trying to figure out how to do this. Be kind and honest. But you don't have to be perfect or have it all figured out. Its a journey. No matter what we thing, none of us really know our final destination until we find it.