I believe my story and need for advice needs details from my past so I’ll explain that first. My first relationship ended with me cheating. It was a monogamous relationship that sadly held emotional abuse towards me. I should’ve ended the relationship differently but I needed escape in that moment. The moment I cheated I did not feel guilty. I felt free finally. My second relationship shortly after experienced many issues due to my consistent crushes and feelings for others besides the person I “wanted the most”. Neither of these relationships were healthy but the one I’m in now is.

I am currently in my third relationship. It is monogamous and I am struggling. I have feelings for multiple people but I do not express them. My partner wants children and marriage and I am unsure. I love my partner deeply, so deeply that I consistently push down these feelings I have for others. I consistently think to myself that I want children (which ties to my first relationship where I was childfree until I was “convinced” otherwise, which I find very confusing). But I currently feel like I am stuck in between. I’m sure this isn’t an original experience but I’m in so much pain just trying to push through it. Has anyone experienced something similar? Muting yourself out of fear of losing one person you love the most? How do you even bring up these feelings to a monogamous person? What can I do, and what should I do? I’m very lost