I need a bit of advice topic: the ugly green and it's confused neighbor sexual relations

I'll be honest, my partners and I are the happiest together we've ever been since we got a place and no longer need to worry about housing problems for now. We've really been able to relax around each other and talk about our goals and share tasks together without much fuss. (Which is the biggest win ever)

The problem I need advice on however is a bit sensitive and I'm not sure on how to go about it. I (she/they) and my partner Max (he/him) didn't originally start out as polyamorous, and our main partner Ben (he/they) is originally the one that bought us together.(Him being the polyamorous one ofc)

We've all been together as a polycule since 2020 but I originally met Ben online 2 years before that I believe. Eventually he started spending time with Max and inevitably introduced us to each other. We didn't like each other at first but we slowly but surely ended up caring and cherishing each other much like we would in our separate relationships with Ben.

To get back on track (sorry I ramble a bit and over explain a LOT) I've notice an issue over the past couple years, I've tried talking about it previously but it didn't go well because I feel like we all weren't necessarily emotionally mature enough to have the conversation. You see, despite Ben being the main in our relationship he has a much lower libido than Max and myself, so while Ben and Max are intimate from time to time it's not a lot because when one is in the mood the other isn't and so on. Max And I have a different situation in which we are intimate more often.

Sadly this is where the issue is. Ben gets upset at the mentioning of Max and I being intimate. I know this probably sounds horrible but for more context we all have openly discussed that intimacy amongst everyone is a good thing and Ben has said previously stated that he is glad that Max and I are able to take care of each other and ourselves on our own since he doesn't always have that desire and is usually tired.

I'm not sure the best way to put it honestly. We first started out by telling one another when we were planning to be intimate or if we had been intimate already so we could talk about boundaries/likes/and dislikes as well as to make sure we had open communication and honesty with eachother. Eventually Ben got jealous (the ugly green)and even a bit mad about how Max and myself were intimate more often them Ben and Max. We asked if regulating the frequency would help and or if we should stop since it was upsetting him and Max and I knew it we weren't emotionally attached to the intimacy yet and still felt awkward around each other from time to time.(I should clarify that this was also Max and my first intimate relationship) Anyways, ben had said that it wasn't that we had to stop or slow down but more that it made him insecure and feel gross to hear that we we're intimate with eachother. I asked if since we all know that we're all intimate with each other, if not informing each other would be better and Ben agreed saying it might make him more comfortable.

After this conversation Max and I avoided intimacy for a while because I wasn't comfortable with doing anything intimate and I didn't want to risk the what if of the relationship that I was seeing. (What if: Ben walks in, I'm not discreet enough, Ben gets upset again, I'm not loving them equally enough etc)

Eventually we continued as normal with intimacy and everything seemed fine. Sadly what I hadn't known is that during that time Ben had noticed little things like the bed not being made, furniture being slightly moved , or wrappers in the bin on top of the rest of the trash. He eventually broke down and brought it up in an argument we all were having about chore management around the house and how Max needed to hurry and find a job at the time. Ben explained that he was also upset that he would end up finding out on his own that we were being intimate, he said he felt like we were going behind his back and it hurt him that he had to find out rather than be told about it.

And while I understood I also expressed my confusion over the issue and reminded him of what we agreed on previously. The rest of that conversation is kind of bleary cause of some hurtful things back then but to summarize I asked Ben of we should stop being intimate again since it seemed like we weren't getting any good results from Max and myself being intimate. He still didn't like that idea so I asked if it would help if Max or I was more intimate with him. I learned that day that while Ben found me attractive, female anatomy grossed him out and he didn't want to be intimate with me.(For more information it's because he is trans f to m and felt body dismorphia)So we resolved that it had to do with Ben and Max again but their libidos still never matched. At the time Max and I felt even more uncomfortable with intimate and had basically cold turkey stopped.

We were all pretty miserable during that point in time and eventually I started feeling insecure about myself as well. During the we all had jobs and couldn't spend a lot of time with eachother and when we did, we were all very distant and rarely affectionate. I kept thinking how much easier it would be if I wasn't the gender I was or if I hadn't been in a relationship with Max, sometimes it would really get to me that I was upset about not having intimacy or affection very often. I guess it all planned down to being disgusted with my body and self contempt for wanting contact like we previously had.

I luckily ended up cracking and couldn't mask my emotions very much after a while and Ben as well as Max reached out to see what was going on and we all talked it out a bit. We all were able to get past a lot of issues and emotions we had been steeping in, and we were better off from the conversation. But we never touched back on the main issue Ben was having with Max and I.

But now in present day after a few years, I'm starting to notice it crawl back into relevance. Every once in a while Ben will look around the home we now have and notice things but not say anything. Or he will point them out and ask and I'll answer cautiously. Ben and Max seem fine with one another and max openly honest about the intimacy when it's asked about bit I for whatever reason still feel uneasy about the topic.

I would talk to Max about this (since I don't have any friends with similar situations or familial sides that can relate over the topic) but he has even less dating experience than I do and to be frank neither one of us knows what we're doing when it comes to polyamory.

I just want to finally get past this, but I'm not sure how to do that so any advice or constructive opinions are welcome. And if you made it this far into my rambling I really appreciate your guys' patience with me. Thank you.

Sorry to the mods for the moon language earlier, I didn't realize emojis don't really work on this platform.