Brand new to ENM. It’s already a train wreck on fire.

I’m a 30M with autism and BPD, married to my 26F wife, Tara, for six years. Recently, we discovered that Tara is aromantic and graysexual, while I crave intimacy and have a high sex drive. We opened our marriage so I could find fulfillment. I’m also an occultist, which Tara isn’t interested in, so I was hoping to find someone to share that passion with.

I met Jolene, a 28F, and we started chatting on Facebook. We hung out with a group of friends, but when the group left, Jolene and I ended up being intimate. Tara thought I was with friends and didn’t know it had become one-on-one. I stayed out late with Jolene and didn’t get home until 1am, despite having work the next morning. When I told Tara, she was initially happy for me.

The next day, I went back to Jolene’s place, and we carpooled to another event. I told Tara I’d be home by 9pm, but I lost track of time with Jolene, and it was midnight when I got home. Tara was furious because I essentially lied and ignored her texts. I apologized and promised to do better.

However, things weren’t fully mended. The next morning, Tara had a panic attack about our marriage, feeling betrayed because I didn’t tell her about being intimate with Jolene until after the fact. She tested my reaction by laying next to me, and when I didn’t respond, she assumed I had been intimate with Jolene again (which I hadn’t). Tara believes I’m already attached to Jolene and that our open marriage was just so I could “get laid.” She pointed out that I’ve never stayed out late on a work night for her and mentioned divorce.

I talked to Jolene and decided to slow things down. Jolene recently had a breakup and might be rebounding, so we agreed to get to know each other better. Now Jolene’s upset, and my wife isn’t talking to me.

TL;DR: Married 6 years to my aromantic, graysexual wife. We opened our marriage so I could find intimacy. I met a woman and things got physical fast. I didn’t communicate well with my wife, stayed out late, and broke her trust. Now my wife feels hurt and betrayed, and I'm trying to fix the damage while slowing things down with the new partner.