This will be a long one, but I feel that I need to be as detailed as possible. I will be adding additional info as needed.

I (32M) have been dating Birch (32F) for almost 8 years now. We have had many ups and downs, mainly due to my undiagnosed at the time (now fully diagnosed) OCD and other mental hangups that I have since started dealing with through therapy. I also have very emotionally abusive and narcissistic parents, but that's a post for a different thread.

Birch and I have never really subscribed to the conventional monogamous lifestyle, but we truly became poly when I came out as bisexual 1.5 years ago. Birch was the one who introduced me to the concept of polyamory and suggested that we try it.

While Birch quickly rekindled a long-lost relationship with a very close friend, I dove into the world of dating apps.

I talked to many people, but I ended up dating Ash (32F). Ash and I dated for almost a year. She was autistic and that sometimes made it hard for us to properly communicate our needs to each other. Very close to our 1-year anniversary, Ash told me that she never really had any romantic feelings for me and, after a few attempts on my part to salvage what we had, we broke up.

This is where Maple comes in. While still with Ash, I was still occasionally on dating apps, as Birch and Ash were both OK with it. I was honestly looking for a same sex relationship but was having a hell of a hard time.

I met Maple (40F) one evening on a dating app and immediately felt really drawn to her.

In order for you to understand some of my actions, you have to understand that My OCD manifests in the form of obsessiveness over thoughts. Once I start obsessing over something, that's all I can think about and it's very "life or death". This, coupled with my extreme anxiety makes for a very dangerous combination.

Worried that Maple wouldn't take me seriously and would ghost me, I went as far as to draw a picture of her and send it to her on the app. This seemed to have worked, as we very quickly started talking every day and ended up going on a first date, where we kissed for the first time and it honestly was everything that I would have hoped for. As a side note, Birch was feeling very insecure from the get-go for a few big reasons:

1. I confessed to her that I haven't felt this intensely about anyone since Birch.

2. I have never drawn Birch, though she had asked me to on a couple of occasions.

3. Due to my OCD, Maple was all I could talk or think about, even when on dates with Birch. I was constantly looking at my phone, hoping for texts from Maple.

Birch and I have an agreement where she needs to meet my partners first, before she is comfortable letting me have them over at our house.

Maple has a primary partner, Pine (36-ish M), a girlfriend that lives with her polycule (about 2-3 people) in Canada (30-something F), and 2 young kids. She also lives with her now ex-husband at their house. So, she has a whole bunch going on in her life.

The day that Maple was supposed to come over to my house to meet Birch, Birch wasn't feeling well, but was OK with me and Maple hanging out at the house together. This was an example of one of the many times Birch bent our boundaries for my sake. I was way too enamored with Maple to notice.

Eventually, Birch met Maple. They seemed to be getting along quite well. Birch told me later that Maple had even said that she wants to be her friend, something that Birch takes very seriously.

This kick-started a routine that kept going for a few months- Maple would come over to my house for about two hours per week (she would have family dinners and come after.)

I told Maple that I was falling in love with her. She told me that she had strong feelings for me that might eventually develop further.

I kept telling Maple that I would like to see her more. She promised me that she might have more time during the summer and asked me to be patient.

I slowly began to notice that Maple would take a very long time to respond to my messages. She would read them, but not answer for hours. This would really trigger my anxiety and insecurity. I tried expressing that to Maple, but I also was worried that I would make her mad, so I tried to bottle up my anxiety, which would only make it worse.

I would also get triggered by seeing her posts on social media and Fetlife of her doing fun stuff with her other partners. I was feeling left out.

I told Maple on multiple occasions that I wish to make it official with her, to be boyfriend and girlfriend. Because she used those labels with some of her other partners. She would never give me a straight yes or no, would just tell me that I was being sweet.

There were times when Maple would feel very overwhelmed with stuff and she would ask me to give her space. I would happily oblige, but after not contacting her for a couple of days, I would get anxious and text her. She wouldn't respond badly, would just say stuff like "I need more time", or "Be patient".

I knew that Maple had a very tight polycule with her girlfriend from Canada. She visits them almost every weekend. At first I assumed that she was visiting them alone, but later realized that she was taking Pine, her bf, with her. They would all hang out, do fun stuff together, have group sex together.

Maple and I had conversations about her polycule, and I assumed that I would be integrated eventually, when my relationship with Maple develops more.

Maple and I started seeing each other less, because she was busy with work and life. I was OK with that, because it wasn't under her control. But she would also only make plans with me once she had established plans with her other partners.

It was around this time that Birch's mom got sick. Birch needed a lot of support from me. And I tried to be there as much as possible. Birch encouraged me to seek some emotional support from Maple, because she knew I needed it.

I communicated with Maple that I needed her to be there for me. She said she would, but she also had plans with Pine and her girlfriend a lot and didn't seem to be willing to change them for me.

Birch expressed frustration that Maple never contacted her during this time, despite saying that she wants to be her friend. I had even requested that Maple text Birch, just to see if Birch needed anything, but Maple never did.

While all of this was happening, Maple told me that she doesn't have "the bandwidth for me." That it was really hard for her to try to see me every week. She also told me that I have limerence for her and that I need to work on controlling that.

I told Maple that we can deescalate a bit, see each other less. Just so she doesn't feel stressed out.

Maple told me that she was going away for a week on vacation with Pine and her children. I asked her if we can see each other after, because I really needed her and her emotional support. She said yes.

Birch's mom passed away. Maple never contacted Birch.

When Maple came back from vacation, she told me that I can come over to her house (never been there before), after 8 PM, to hang out with her and Pine.

I was frustrated, because I thought that since we hadn't seen each other for a month at that point, she would want to see me 1-on-1. But I tried bottling up those feelings, because I was just so excited to see Maple again.

We spent two hours talking, the three of us, and Maple helping Pine with filling out his resume for a job he was applying for. I went home very frustrated, because I didn't feel like I got what I needed from Maple that night. I was literally in hysterics that night, crying, feeling rejected and alone. I texted Maple about all of that and she told me that I knew that Pine would be there and that I was being manipulative because I didn't get what I wanted out of her.

Birch had a long talk with me, where she explained that she sees a lot of red flags in Maple, doesn't think that she's healthy for me, doesn't like that Maple told her she wants to be her friend, but then never contacted her when she was going through really hard times. She said that I can keep seeing Maple if I wanted to, but she doesn't approve of the relationship and doesn't want Maple in our house anymore.

This is when Maple started drifting away more and more. She told me she needed space, because she was feeling very overwhelmed and stress out. She was having money problems. I tried giving her what she needed, but I would also occasionally get very anxious and would text her only for her not to respond for hours or even days.

Eventually, Birch and her bf talked me into sending Maple a long message in which I expressed all of my issues with our relationship. I never communicated a lot of my frustrations with Maple, because I was worried that she would leave me. I did as they asked. Maple said that she doesn't deal well with death, hence her not messaging much while Birch's mom was in the hospital. Maple said that she needed time to process everything I had said.

A few days later, she sent me a long message, basically saying that we need to end things before either of us gets hurt more. She said that she had tried communicating her boundaries to me, but that I had continuously broken them. She said that I was trying to manipulate her to get what I wanted. She said that the only way she can manage her poly relationships is by integrating them into her polycule and that it was hard for her to manage seeing me separately. She simply didn't have the bandwidth.

I panicked. I didn't want to lose her. So, I sent her a very long message in which I expressed that I was sorry for all of the bad things that I had done and that I was more than happy to spend time with her in the form of hanging out with her and her polycule. That I was more than ready and happy to be integrated. That I was doing polyamory wrong, in that I was trying to have a relationship with Maple similar to the one I have with Birch. And that that wasn't fair to Maple. That I wanted to do things her way.

Maple said that she needed time to process all of that.

I said OK, expecting that she would take some time, and then discuss. I was even planning on, if she said yes to giving me a second chance, to give her money, because I knew that she was really stressed out about that. This was the longest, most agonizing week of my life! I would occasionally text Maple, when my anxiety got too hard to manage. She would tell me she needed space, and I would apologize for texting, explaining that I am just anxious. She told me to be patient.

Last night, I got a long text from Maple. She told me that she thought a lot about this and she thinks we need to break things off, because it's better for both of us. I sent her a few texts, begging her to reconsider. She saw them, but didn't answer. I finally sent her a very heartbroken "goodbye" text, which she "hearted".

Apologies for the super long essay! I will add more details in the comments, if needed.