I (32F, ENM) recently started dating Axel (35NB, poly) and we've know the other was poly/mono from the beginning. When we met they were solo. A few months ago, they said they love me & asked to be in a relationship. I was excited but nervous since it's my first poly relationship and I told them that. After doing my own research, I asked what they would want a poly relationship with me to look like so I could decide if it was something I could do and the answer was "I just want to be around." I wanted to know like would they tell me when they had a new partner, their boundaries, any absolutes, did they want kitchen table, hierarchical, to know abt my dates/hookups etc...things I thought were foundational in a poly relationship? They respond by asking me what I want, never saying what they want.

After I said I was open to trying poly, I found out they started another relationship in the interim and since then I've just been losing it mentally. But, I've been patient and given them time to figure out what kind of relationship they want with me and I haven't really gotten a response. It's fucking with my mental health so much bc idk what is going on. I shared my distress and insecurities I feel around the lack of clarity and nothing changes, I get no answers. Occasionally over the past couple months, I would bring it up again bc I felt myself sinking mentally. We both struggle with mental illness and our priority has been focused on keeping Axel safe and stable with not much room for me, which I've been ok with. I want to support them in this acute time with the hope that they can support me more when they're more stable.

All I want is clarity and I don't feel like I'm asking too much, in fact I found out they had this talk with their other partner who is also poly. Axel has also said they think poly would be good for me bc I have a high sex drive they can't meet (large reason why I'm ENM). But then I found out Axel was also sleeping with several other people. I interpret this as they can have frequent sex & want to & can have clarity with their partner just not with ME. I'm trying to understand but I feel myself getting resentful & jealous which I've never been in prior relationships. My prior partners and I (all monoromantic some monogamous relationships) have always been up front about expectations & what we are/aren't ok with and I need that to feel secure in a relationship. But so often, Axel just says "I'm ok with whatever you want" and then when I express my wants, like "I don't think parallel is working for me, I'm struggling with hearing abt your other partner, I want to try DADT" they get frustrated bc then they had to hide/didn't match their apparent want.

But how can I possibly know what they want if I ask, give them time to think about it (days to weeks) and then when I check back in they say they don't want anything in particular? Is this nebulousness typical for poly relationships? Am I asking too much of Axel to share their desires/boundaries/needs with me? For clarity? Any advice is appreciated bc I'm starting to think this poly thing isn't for me. :/