I’ve been practicing ENM for 7 years, I am in my early 30s. I used to be ridiculously insecure, but after the first two years of practicing polyamory I reached a point of having earned security. There are times when my insecure patters surface, but I’ve gotten very good at recognizing them.

I started seeing a new person (calling them “Abe”) who’s in their mid 40s. They transitioned their 20-year relationship from monogamous to open 7 years ago. And 3 years ago, they transitioned to polyamory after a FWB confessed feelings.

When they first opened up, they started with “don’t ask don’t tell” guidelines that damaged their trust. When they started practicing polyamory, they were prescriptively hierarchical. Abe’s new partner decided to initiate a relationship with Abe’s older partner without telling Abe. After they connected, they told Abe, and decided to discard the hierarchy.

Very shortly after this agreement was reached, Abe’s new partner ghosted the old partner. This caused drama that continues to this day. Abe is constantly trying to explain his partners’ feelings to the other, and his partners are constantly telling Abe that the other partner is the issue.

Fast forwarding to where I enter the picture: Abe contacts me on a dating app. He’s interested in sex, but also very intrigued by my profile where I am very clear that I don’t believe in dating as a couple or “don’t ask don’t tell”. Abe tells me that both of his relationships are in chaos. One of them is coping poorly with depression following the death of a sibling, the other is a closeted father of three who makes Abe lie about the nature of their relationship. The old partner has been throwing tantrums lately, and the new partner has made a rule that Abe is required to reply to his text messages within 45 minutes.

I told Abe that I have feelings for him, but I also want to be his friend, and a good friend would not encourage him to enter a third relationship at this time in his life. Abe is grateful, we continue to date. His new boyfriend immediately wants to meet me, I say I feel too much dysphoria around closeted people, and I will work on it.

I decide to continue to be his friend and to continue having sex with him. But, I soon find out that he’s taken on two MORE of his FWBs as pseudo-romantic relationships. It feels like he will enter a relationship with anybody who wants to be in one with him, and I kind of “missed out” by setting a healthy boundary.

Im afraid Abe is reckless in relationships, has porous boundaries, and is attracted to chaos. He’s told me he wants stability, and though he says he appreciates my ability to set boundaries, it feels like my security is boring to him.

I’ve met the old partner, who seems like a friendly but depressed person feeling afraid of being abandoned. I can relate to this. I like the old partner, but the old partner is also not a lot of fun to be around because they’re depressed and anxious.

The new partner, IMO, is a textbook narcissist. It reads to me like he faked interest in his metamour to get closer to Abe, succeeded, and is now trying to drive a wedge between them. He wanted to meet me after immediately after Abe and I had the conversation about expectations. He forces Abe to say they’re just friends when they are in public, despite having pushed so hard to be more than friends. And the rule about texting means Abe has to check his phone every 30 minutes to make sure his partner is never uncomfortable.

I want advice on whether or not I’m being too judgmental here. Am I just jealous of Abe’s other partners? And I the one who is attracted to the chaos? Am I silly to think Abe will get better at setting his own boundaries?