I (18F) have been with my (18NB) gf for 2 months and they brought up being polyamorous. They are my first ever relationship and I adore my gf so much!! I didn’t get offended that they mentioned this at all because this was discussed during our ‘what do we want in this, what do we not tolerate, and anything you want to mention’ discussion. They’re my world and to be honest I’ve been interested in being polyamorous before meeting them. I know that right now I want to grow my relationship with my gf first, research a lot more before putting myself back into the dating field (which I technically still have no experience in because my gf was the one that ask what we were/confessed, we’re long distance, and we met because I was simping in their TikTok comment section and was crushing on them and they loved the energy and flirting I had). Plus when I actually like saw saw them since I was gushing about their artsona thingy I literally had to hold my heart and I’ve been crushing on my gf ever since.

But anyways, my point is that if they wanted to date another person, I wouldn’t be opposed to it. My bigger concern is setting boundaries so we don’t hurt each other and respect our other relationships. My gf and I are long distance and are 22- actually I won’t say the actual amount, they’re on the opposite side of the country, which means I don’t have to be like “Don’t date my friends” because 1) the main reason they’d get into another relationship would probably be for the close distance which I am considering too because traveling is expensive. Also 2) they prefer taking it slow with meeting my friends cause I’m an extrovert and they’re an introvert. I think their friends are funny but I have zero interest in them and making their relationship with my gf awkward.

I know in my head I have a few key things I want to establish so please let me know in the comments what yall think: 1. Let me know who they are whether a picture or if the partner feels comfortable a public social media account, for safety and anxiety reasons. I’m in a long distance relationship but still prioritize my friends safety not to even mention my partner’s safety and if I hear a driving notification I know they are probably busy or going grocery shopping so I don’t bother them. I know most have a DADT policy but I didn’t feel jealous when my old crushes would tell me about their partners, hell I felt more into them cause I knew how they worked and lowkey when I say their partner I fell too. The only time I ever felt bad about it was realizing how I viewed them overly romanticized them when they were in a relationship. I got icked out my actions there for thinking it (even though I kept it to myself and NEVER sought to go after them, their partner, blah blah blah).

I’m a pansexual panic with the only thing stopping me from jumping into relationships is my anxiety and my want to not be as casual as my friends who play flirt with me (which I talked to my gf about and they don’t mind since I gush about them and let people know that I am very taken with my lady, which before you ask yes my girlfriend is non binary but I’ve gone over any nickname I can think of with them and they love this one so I love using it). I’ve been replaced and sexualized by multiple ex friends before that claimed our dynamic was a situationship and I’m still working through recovering from that past trauma which is also why I have a love communicating and talking things through which I’m glad my gf is super supportive of my ted talks LOL. So knowing at least for me, it helps me regulate and honestly bond more with my gf (at least it did for my old crushes and now I won’t feel as guilty).

1. We BOTH don’t have the right to cut off each others metas/other relationships but we always have the right to speak up when feeling uncomfortable or jealous, same applies to my other partner. I can work through and grow with my partners. I promised myself that if I ever got into a relationship that I’d do everything I could to make sure my needs and my partners needs were fulfilled or respected and that included emotions and how we felt about things.

But I’m mainly saying this cause I don’t tolerate a ‘me or them’ arguement. I can understand if you feel upset, I will work to compromise or fix whatever has made you feel like this but what I HATE is being compared to the dumb mfs in the AITA community that can’t be decent partners to OP and EWW no I could never be that blindsided to treat my partner like that omfg. I let my gf know everyday that they are loved and respected whether I send them a reel or start a conversation to posting to my account that targeted my curious friends that were finding their account to knock it off and to come to me FIRST because I will be pissed if they made them uncomfortable and got immediate apologies from them. If I didn’t respect someone or love them anymore, I wouldn’t date them or would end it so I didn’t waste their time and told my gf that which she adored. I’m a LOT and it took me a month to calm myself about a relationship and start to grow into a learning partner. Whether or not my gf wants a DADT status when I date my meta is up to them, they will know that their rules and boundaries will always be respected even if they don’t see it all the time. The same respect applies to my future other relationships and the moment that they disrespect that or take advantage of it is the moment we go our separate ways. In our courting phase, I deleted any one that was romantically intrested in me or continued to flirt even though I posted hinting to me being in love with someone, I asked them point blank if they wanted access to my Instagram account because I have nothing to hide and/of if they minded if I continued to follow certain celebrities/my celebrity crushes (they laughed and said no to both, I was just happy that I made them smile and that they were okay with it cause having the opportunity for mutual love and a shared laugh with someone is something that has not come easy to me). We’ve both realized we are very chill when it comes to jealousy and mentioned our ‘but this does make me feel’ moments. We both have anxiety so thats why we have a location sharing app (I brought up life 360 at first but they found a cute one where you can raise a digital pet/kid/animal together which is adorable and I they say im the favorite parent hehe, oh and they said they’d love to adopt with me in the future once we figure out where we can meet in the middle distance wise, I feel complete with them and I love them so much). Anyways I got distracted uhh oh yeah- I prefer my partners to understand that this is how I function and my mindset, you can always speak up on your feelings and make suggestions but my other relationships are mine to control though I definitely will keep their feelings in mind and might even ask the other if they’d compromise with me IF it’s a really tough situation and a easy compromise. But once again I don’t think it’s fair for one partner to make the other partner feel threatened at all but I do want them to be happy and at least respect each other even if they prefer not to interact with one another.

The last thing I can think of is like saying when they are going to be with their partner that day so that they and their partner have that time to themselves. Tho I’ve already addressed this before about just mentioning if they have anything big going on just say “Tomorrow I’m…” or “Hey baby this morning/rn I’m..” which I do cause I’m usually terrible at responding cause I’m napping or working or hanging out blah blah it works like check list before I nap or hang out.

But yeah, minus those 3 the rest is for when we live together future and beyond but let me know any advice or suggestions on how to tell your date your polyamorous for future reference! I know I’m a yapper and my ADHD made some side quests while typing but thank you again for your time! I am very new to the community and apologize if I used some vocab wrong :(( but please your advice and thoughts are appreciated and welcomed unless you come after my partner or after my terms and conditions when it comes to respect. I hate hierarchy and view my partners as relationships that I will respect and love in different ways but still prioritize the happiness of both and would gladly do the same for my gf’s partners but still have my own respect and they know that. So please respect that too, it’s just what I prefer and they respect that. Ah but if you have any tips on how to make that healthier let me know!!!

Edit 1: EEK thank you for the responses!!! I’ve realized that some parts of my previous mindset had a lot of holes in them like the Hierarchal comment I made (which now I understand that’s really unrealistic unless I’m in a triad or something) as well as the location thing, which I will have a conversation about to my gf especially when establishing rules and boundaries, so if you have any advice in that regard please comment and let me know!! I am young and learning so I make some “oh I didn’t know this mistakes”, but I truly appreciate you guys sharing your advice and experiences! Digital hugs and love, thank you once again!!