I know a lot more about what I want from a relationship but because of a lot of mistake and misunderstanding and growth. The first near-half of my life involved trillions of experiences, high times and low, nostalgic - like visiting the house I grew up in with the tire swing later in life and seeing the juxtaposition between my internal memory and reality.

Like seeing what is happening in the Middle East and wishing I could just reach over and fix it - but also believing the world isn’t always going to get better like it seemed for the thirty years before today.

I feel like I’m only recently really understanding that being honest means not putting myself in situations where I feel the need to be dishonest in first place. It means telling truth and being honest with yourself and listening to your heart over doing what you think someone wants from you.

I do feel like I’m a cuddly person. I am recently separated and supporting quite a few people - it’s a story I can tell🙃- and I wish I had someone to just lay down and hold.

I’m listening to Streetcar by Daniel Caesar and he says - “I know my destination, I’m just not there, life just ain’t fair” - and I guess I just feel like with the chaos that is our reality, that I just want to have real connections with people, and to be able to be a real positive for another person instead of being like my selfish younger me. I don’t believe in God, I don’t believe in America, I don’t know what kind of world my son and daughter are going to inherit, but I know I’m better when there are people I love near me.

And I guess that’s what poly is to me. It’s breaking the societal norm of monogamy and building something healthier and more sustainable for an ever volatile and unpredictable world.

It’s adding clarity in the chaos.

I am successful by all accounts. I make 80/hr as a software engineer and am about to make 30/hr as a nurse. I make substantially more than most Americans - but I also support two women and their children. I feel pressure to do well, while also living alone - paying mortgage and rent, and sleeping alone. I miss holding someone.

Damn that weed was strong. I want to cuddle sooner than later lol 😅🙃