I know that normally it would take you probably 3-6 months to discover all of my toxic traits, so I thought I'd speed up the process for you (one of my toxic traits is impatience after all!) Here they are:

• 🤪Dummy - doesn't know how to do anything, googles everything, but is good at following instructions and thus excels in academia and industry
• 😴Lazy - only does the dishes if you don't, proactively puts laundry baskets in every room to prevent dirty laundry from being on the floor
• 👁️👄👁️Codependent - wants to spend all my time with you and build a life together
• 😏Two Faced - Will make a good impression on your parents, will be a she devil in private
• 🤐Liar - No I'm not, I never do that not even once ever, not even for comedic bits or simple sarcasm
• 😇Bossy - will push you towards your goals and utilize collaborative problem solving to approach conflicts, and clearly outline possible solutions and ways that I can support
• 🌞Neurotic - addicted to bullet lists and bullet journals, sometimes referred to as "the most organized person I know"
• 🍜Messy eater - thankfully I am really good at mending and getting stains out of things
• 😂Makes really bad jokes when talking with the cashier. Jokes have been described as I Think You Should Leave skit rejects. I once asked with grave sincerity if could certify that the birthday cake shake cake came from actual childrens birthday parties (otherwise it's just regular cake, no?)
• 🎀🏋🏾‍♀️Can't decide if I want to look butch or babe, aim to make all of my outfits as gender ambiguous as possible, occasionally ending up as what is best described as "accidental goth". I do have a sizeable rack which I believe would make me a "big tiddy goth gf" on those days, if that sweetens the deal any
• 💪🏽🥔Muscle Mommy aspirations due to couch potato inspirations. This results in confusing situations where I am doing squats between rogue like runs in the Vija games or sobbing watching JoJo bc he is just so honorable and so buff 😭I wanna be like jonathon sAma how dare dio senpai do this to him bakA desu!!1! Nam deska u don't watch JoJo bizarre adventures? sugoi!
• 🥲Doesn't really know lefts from rights, just kinda makes an "L" shape with my hand, unless I'm driving in which case I just go the wrong way
• ✍️ a reluctant writer, I'm told I'm good at it but I suppose it depends on the reader (I am told that bookworms prefer dusty, moldy type books for instance). If my previous track record is any indication, I am unlikely to fall in love with you unless we exchange at least several lengthy missives and a minimum of three late nights philosophizing about existence. I'm sorry I don't make the rules 🤷🏽‍♀️
• 🤡jack of all trades and master of none, but still better than a master of one! As previously disclosed I am a diamond 💎 with many faces, facets but very few assets (diamonds are a dime a dozen but one family has a monopoly) tldr I don't quite know what magic words 🪄 ✨ I need to say in here to find my person but I'll just keep saying stuff and maybe something will stick!! 🌿(<-Pls pretend that emoji was a stick
• 💄probably pretty - YOU decide! I'd post pics but I'm a salary man now. If you do wanna send my ass tho it's missmoonbeam_ on FetLife.
• ⚖️I know that in real reality with marriages and mortgages and it is very difficult to have a truly non heirchial relationship but that doesn't mean I dont want to try. Just the same way I've lost hope of ever escaping or breaking this capitalist dystopia BUT that doesn't mean I should stop trying to find pple to live in a free love garden commune with. The tldr here is that if you have veto powers or are absolutely NOT interested in non heirchial poly, I am not the gal for you; I am already a 2nd class citizen just by the mere fact of my race & gender, I am not interested in being "secondary" in my romantic relationships and I will do everything I possibly can to avoid subjecting my partners to that fate. I have one nesting partner currently, we live in Illinois and date separately but are not opposed to dating the same person if desired. I work remotely so relocating is a possibility if we all get along 💕

Boundaries: ok the actually unfun part! I work in mental health because it's my calling, AND dealing with people's crisises all day leaves me with precious little bandwidth for crisis in my personal life. So it's alright if you are neurospicy AND if you need significant support from your partner to manage that I may not be the 1 4 u, I'm sorry your princess is in another castle 🏰

As for you, regardless of your ability, race, gender, I promise I can (and likely will) develop an insufferable crush on you, however I tend to lean towards people who have experienced at least one "ism" first hand (racism, sexism, surrealism, etc) and approached that experience with reflection. Tldr; I noticed that non cismen tend to respect my autonomy more often, and non white folks tend to understand my experience more often. But this is a trend, not a rule.

Thanks for reading this essay! If you're interested in falling in love then drop me a line 😘 (and by "line" mean something like at least 250 words or more, I was being dead serious about the missives. If you don't have time for the cover letter though I will also accept a romantic resume/cv. Successful applicatiants will move on to the telephone interview)