I've been thinking more about archetypes as ways of seeing how I move around in the world. In the past I was generally dismissive of this Jungian view of the self. It was only much later that I realized archetypes aren't about you, but about how you are in relationships.

For example, I was raised with very old-money preppy values by people who inherited a deeply internalized inferiority complex imposed by British rule. On the other hand, by the time I was born, the British had been gone for decades. I inherited the old-money values, but no sense of inferiority because I was also raised on Black Consciousness - i.e. Steve Biko and Frantz Fanon.

Even when the money wasn't there, I knew the difference between full-court dress, white tie, and black tie. I was expected to be independent and stoic. To begin a career in academia, diplomacy, finance, law, engineering, or "elite" medicine like neuroscience. Art had its place, and its place was not to challenge the status-quo. Be not like Byron with on misery in your heart and defiance on your brow for that is the road to rebellion and madness. Even though only in the madness of rebellion did we free ourselves from oppression.

Some of that preppy stuff is useful and interesting. On the phone, I pass for a white guy and it has gotten me past many phone screenings. Over time I became well-traveled, well-read, well-spoken, and well-educated. I exuded that tranquil confidence of a man at home anywhere in the world.

This preppy archetype is also isolating and outdated. I also always feel like I have this false consciousness or double consciousness because this "cosmopolitanism" of mine descends from imperialist entitlement. It was designed by white men for white men, not for people like me. But I am here in the world, so I may as well take up some space in it. That would really annoy those dead imperialists. If my existence alone is an act of defiance, then why should I ever stop?

I've started to make art that challenges the status quo. I'm getting myself off the hedonic treadmill of more-and-more, while trying to appreciate what I have. I've done a lot of work to untangle past hurts, and some of this work will remain lifelong. But the hard part is over.

For all my life, I have struggled with relationships for many reasons. If you're a neurotypically smart human like me, you've been able to avoid a lot of disappointing relationships by being incredibly self-sufficient. Which is why I hesitate with relationships to begin with, including in polyamory. It is really easy to remember how relationships have hurt you, and hard to remember how they can help heal you.

It is hard for me to admit openly that sometimes I just want a hug or to be held, too. Admitting that I have any needs at all - that I want to be cared for, loved, touched, desired, or even found amusing - is revolutionary to the values I was raised to inhabit and express. I spent a lot of my time denying my needs within myself, and as a result, I also withheld myself from others.

So here I am, cracking myself open to reveal my super-smart, very funny, and ever-evolving self. That's why the title says "hatching". I'm feeling fragile and somewhat new to the world by opening up more, but I also imagine that's what Athena felt like when she popped out of Zeus's head in full armor.

It's a dangerous world out there, full of perils and promise. Here's to the promise!