The following events are based on a true story. Locations and names may be changed to protect identities. Some events may have been exaggerated a tad for comedic effect.

Note - Currently engaged to a lovely lady. Not looking for unicorns.

I sat there, tapping my fingers idly on the table, waiting for my coffee date to arrive. Swiped right on Tinder a few days ago, she had an interesting, if vague profile and she seemed my type, physically as well. Our texting wasn't the most...verbose but no big red flags went up and she seemed genuinely interested in meeting up too. So I got to the coffee shop early, waiting on her to arrive before ordering.

I idly watched the crowd for a few moments and then someone said my name and I looked up, a bit confused as I didn't fully recognize the person talking to me. "Hi, it's me, NAME REDACTED!" Oh...oh no. The person in front of me definitely looked like who I was talking to..just aged about 10 years. Did I just get catfished? Gosh darnit I thought to myself, standing up and shaking her hand. "Sorry, I was a bit distracted! Hi!" I said, faking enthusiasm in my voice. Well, I thought, let us see how it goes.

And R4R, it was a doozy. She was jittery (didn't even have any coffee!), eyes darting all over the place and there was a distinct, musty odor about her. I don't think I'm the most critical of people but she seemed disheveled, unkempt and hygiene was...lacking. We made awkward small talk until she stated that she was a bit nervous about meeting up so she took a little something before the meeting. "Oh, something like a Valium?" She laughed, and said "Sure. Like a Valium." I laughed nervously back, not quite sure what she meant but getting an inkling.

The conversation proceeded to her talking about leaving her abusive drug-dealer ex (something that she hadn't brought up at all in our interactions), and how she stole some of his stash when she left. So the question on where she got her NOT VALIUM was answered.

"Okay, makememakeyoumakeme, you just have to get through this and then it will just be an amusing anecdote or story. On how to never trust Tinder, ever again." Our conversation trails off after about 20 minutes and I'm about to make my excuse when she pipes up, "Hey, want to go see INSERT MOVIE NAME HERE?".

What happened next has haunted me. I wake up in cold sweat sometimes, screaming "WHY? WHYYYYYYYYYYY?". My mind is profusely coming up with excuses at this moment (Sorry, my house is on fire. Sorry, I have a previous engagement. Oh my God, are those aliens? Sorry, I have to watch my friend's cat, its suicidal, etc etc) but this is where my mouth betrayed me.

"Sure!" I said, enthusiastically and instantly, my brain screamed "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY? YOU FOOL OF A TOOK!" at me. The theme music from Curb your Enthusiasm started playing in my head as my grin was frozen on my face.

The next few moments were a blur as we made our way to the theater. To this day, I do not know why I did not come up with an excuse to leave between leaving the coffee shop and getting to the movie. In too deep? Morbid fascination? A death wish? Who knows. Either way, we were seated next to each other only 20 minutes later.

And this is where the story took a turn for the worse. The lights were barely off when her hand snaked its way onto my thigh. "Oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.", my mind screamed at me, "The Doomsday clock ticks closer to midnight!". I demand that my body obey me and a second and intense Battle of the Bulge commences as I attempt valiantly to prevent my body's natural response from occurring while trying to figure out how to subtly prevent this from happening.

Did I mention the group of teenagers sitting behind us? No? Oh, now I did.

Now I have nothing against some fooling around in a movie theater, but ideally it happens when there is almost no one else in the theater and never when there are children and teenagers around.

What followed was an hour and a half of her thinking my protests of "Not now" was teasing as she moved her hand on my thigh and my body betraying me. The inherent politeness in me prevented me from just yelling "Stop!" and walking out but oh God, did I want to. Her odor was overwhelming and I shifted around in my seat more often than tectonic plates under Japan to avoid her claw.

It finally ended. The ordeal was over as the credits rolled and we made our way out. I hurriedly made my goodbyes and farewells, gave her a quick hug and left, deleting Tinder on my walk to the car.

And that is why I'm here on R4R instead of on Tinder. I hope this story brought some enjoyment to you as it is certainly a solid anecdote for me.

A few basics about me: 38, male, professional career, living in Madison, Wisconsin. I thoroughly enjoy traveling, whether it was traversing through the tiny and gorgeous streets of Paris or enjoying the amazing cuisine of Spain. Speaking of cuisine, I love to cook and definitely love to eat. Making some beef stroganoff or a giant pot of chicken biryani, I love to experiment and try new dishes. Other interests include board games, tabletop RPGs, social justice and activism and more!

I'm looking for someone who shares some of my interests and also has some of their own that they would like to share. I want someone passionate and kind and open minded and just a bit wild.

I'm not looking for the following: - temporary online chat partners - platonic only - someone who has no intention of ever meeting up - Trumpers, conservatives and all around jerks

The essay comes to an end. Save me from installing Tinder again!