I’ve thought this person was cute for about 2 years (though I saw them sparsely) but never seriously tried anything.

Then a handful of months ago I started seeing them around more frequently, and felt a really strong attraction to them which I wanted to act on. I told some mutual friends about my feelings and went to a party that they attended, and was sort of tamely flirting with them. But again, I didn’t really try anything serious with them, especially because I had been told they had just gotten out of a relationship and that they’d want something slow that they could build up. I wanted to give them space and also considered that my feelings of attraction were mainly sexual, so it just didn’t seem like a good fit.

But, again, I’d see them around. I’d notice more and more as we passed and chatted with each other in person that I was really attracted to them, a lot. A few months later I passed them again in the street with a mutual friend, and after they left, I said again to this friend that I thought they were cute, but my friend quickly told me they now were with someone.

That was that really. Seemed like they were monogamous and not available anymore. I essentially told myself to get over it and move on. Which wasn’t hard, because I wasn’t emotionally attached to them and hadn’t properly considered what I would even want from them, aside from being aware of my attraction to them and curiosity about them.

Now, though, we are both part of an event and we spend time in the some space. They will talk to me a lot, just being a nice friend, and once they invited me to theirs for a coffee and a chat. Knowing they have a partner, I only ever behaved as a friend and with friendly intentions. I really enjoyed our conversation and I can tell they’re someone I’d like to be closer friends with, I think we’d get along so well.

However, I also noticed I began to feel quite intense attraction for them, now not only sexual but emotional, and suddenly felt a bit uncomfortable. I felt that, while having these feelings and choosing not to act on them does not mean I’m doing anything wrong, I feel uncomfortable being their friend, because I reckon that if they knew while we were hanging out I was feeling so attracted to them, they wouldn’t feel comfortable.

I value transparency in friendships, but I think it would be inappropriate and disrespectful to tell them about my feelings, even just from the perspective of trying to be honest with them. So since I cannot be transparent with them, I have this icky and uncomfortable feeling. I decided the most responsible thing would be to distance myself because we are not close friends anyway, the damage would be minimal, it would help this sizzle out, and I would prevent anyone from feeling bad.

But they interact with me in these events a lot, and I feel so bad ignoring them, that I’ve stopped and just interact with them when they instigate it. They are a really good friend and so fun to be around. Then again this crush feeling keeps growing the deeper I get to know them, and now it is at the stage where I actually… really want to get to know them. But it feels like the more I know them, the more I will like them. And then I have this discomfort and this secret and it just doesn’t feel good at all. I keep wanting to indulge in my feelings but holding back.

What should I do? I know it’s normal, to sometimes feel attracted to your friends, and to have attraction that will never go anywhere. But this particular situation of them being monogamous makes it harder for me to navigate. Because in my opinion, the option of communication isn’t there, as I really wouldn’t like to make them or their partner feel that I’m disrespecting their (closed) relationship, or doing something inappropriate by telling someone in a monogamous relationship that I have feelings for them. And as a poly person anyway, I steer clear of initiating anything romantic with monogamous people to try to prevent emotional mess.

If there is nothing to be done, what advice do you have for someone having regret that they didn’t act on their feelings for their friend, who they now shouldn’t and can’t be with?