So first off, my credentials here is that I'm part of the LGBTQIA community and I speak from this lived experience when I talk about whether or not things are a choice; and whether its okay to use certain language.

Now. A thing I see repeated on a lot of newbie posts here is something along the lines of "you dont come out as poly; poly is a choice."

Stop saying this. Maybe it was a choice for you; how lucky for you.

For some folks, it really isn't. Monogamy can be stifling to the point where its unbarable. This is my experience. I have attempted it a handful of times and its just not possible for me. I never cheated or broke the terms of a relationship; but I have ended relationships over this issue more than once. With cool people who I really cared about too.

And I'm just talking from my own experience; there will be a bunch of other people who arrive at a similar place from a different set of roots.

From the way people seem to discuss poly, I'm guessing I'm in the minority here. So please listen when I say stop fucking erasing my experience when you're supposed to be educaing people.

Especially when talking to new people asking about their partners, which is usually where this comes up. They might have a partner who is like me and yall are telling them to treat it as something thats optional for that person. That may not be true and if its not then its just going to muddy the waters of understanding. Hows that gonna make someone who's partner has just come out as poly feel huh? Like their relationship is less important than something that their partner could just opt out of? Sucky vibes.

I should say Im speaking from a place of hurt, if that isnt clear. Ive had this part of myself misunderstood more than being bi has been, although its nowhere near as sucky as being trans.

"Come out" as poly. If people wanna use that language, I say let them. Trust if they imply that it isn't a choice for them.

I dont think its the same as being gay or trans, but its also more parralel than you would think. Sure you can choose not to be poly. You can choose to live your whole life in the closet too. My experience is that making these choices was a very similar experience.

Its probably worth mentioning that my polyness intersects with my queer identity. Maybe its the something in sum of my bi-ness and my arospec-ness that makes me feel this strongly about non monogamy.

I would be interested to hear if any straight folks atall have a similar experience to me; or anyone atall really.

Also if anyone disagrees with this I would love to hear why.

edit:

Okay after much rigorous debate I have an additional bit.

Poly bombing is the main thing people bring up.

This was not what my post was about. The post that sparked this was actually someone being fairly open about their questioning status and coming to a conclusion 6 months in and then being open about that at that time, which is categorically not poly bombing so people say this even when that isnt a thing and in that context its honestly uncalled for and imo pretty indefensable.

Poly bombing posts is where I see this statement made most though and I still think its bad there too and here is why:

Obviously PBing shitty behaviour and should be called out.

However, you should do so without bringing whether poly is a choice being brought into it. Its a useful shorthand but is just not good.

Instead of saying "being poly is a choice" say "sounds like this person is trying to use something they've just sprung on you to manipulate you. Thats bullshit actually. Don't let your shitty partner hide behind our identity or appropriate queer language to gasslight you. You can just say no. Or leave the relationship anyway." People do say this too and its way more helpful.

Alternatively, maybe its not poly bombing and someone's sencerely trying to figure themselves out. You dont even know some of the time.

People are defending their language by pointing to this but saying "poly is a choice" in a vaccum to someone new to poly is often going to be misunderstood. Not a good message. Yeah maybe its helpful to that person at the time, but you are misrepresenting many of us in doing that. Yeah this is wordy; but the shear number of responses I got which were basically just this and I wanted to respond to save us all some time.

Edit over.

Edit 2:

Woah this got a lot of engagement. I tried to respond where I could and am currently doing a kind of little write up project which I will share as an update if I manage to finish it.

I'm no longer really responding to comments as there are just so many now and I do have a life outside of Reddit, but I am reading through as many as I can.

Sorry if I ruffled any feathers in my replies. I wanted to engage with different people's perspectives, but one or two of the responses definitely got under my skin a bit. Risks of using my own lived experience as subject matter I guess. So yeah, general apologies to anyone I might have upset.

All that said, thankyou so much to everyone who responded and engaged with this whether you agree or not; its been really cool to read everyone's stories. Seeing that its not just me that feels this way about this has been really nice, and its also been good to better understand where people who might not feel the same way are coming from.

My general takeaway is still that anyone who tries to universalise on this is in the wrong; its bad to imply that poly is optional as can definitely be seen from people sharing their stories. However it would also be really bad to suggest that considering it or experiencing it as a choice makes someone any less entitled to the lifestyle, language, or identity.

It also should go without saying but bares repeating that poly bombing is just dire and abusive, and any arguments made here on this topic should not be employed in its defence.

Thanks again for participating. Feel free to continue to reply; I will read over most responses. If you specifically wish my attention for any reason relating to this post or existing threads in it, my DMs are open, providing you are respectful and kind.

Love x