Advice regarding one of my partners

This is a really long read… but I could really use some advice or something. I’m at the end of my line… I’m so fucking exhausted and filled with anxiety.

It’s …. Weird .. how one can go from feeling safe with, and loving someone so much to suddenly…. Being so anxious around them that all you can do is cry and avoid being home.

We all just renewed our lease too… so .. I feel trapped..

I posted the other day when one of my nesting partners (I’ll call Emily) had a cuddle buddy over - and told us her cuddle buddy would leave a few hours after her shift at 5. My other partner nesting partner (I’ll call Celica) was out on a date with her girlfriend. We all thought Emily’s cuddle buddy would leave between 7 and 8 as that’s what we interpreted “a few hours” as.

I was having trouble seeing Emily love on someone in ways she hasn’t with me in almost 2 years. So I went to the office to cry and play on Celicas pc. Every Friday night Celicas gf comes over, stays the night, and leaves around noon Saturday. Emily was there when we came up with this schedule. Anyways, then at 9pm Celica came home with her girlfriend. They expected to hangout with me, and then have a nice night/sleepover.

However Emily’s friend ended up staying until 12am. Emily did not once tell any of us or ask if her friend could stay that long. Celica came home to Emily’s friend still being here, and me sobbing in the office. She was pissed to say the least. At 2am Celica took her girlfriend home because her gf was pissed and felt disrespected as we’ve had this schedule for well over 3 months. The next morning Celica was leaving to go check on her gf, and Emily asked her for a kiss. Celica just said not right now then left.

Well Emily couldn’t handle that and messaged her asking if Celica was mad after grilling me about it for a while. Celica responded to her text with “yes I’m upset, but we will talk about it later” because she needed to cool down and didn’t want to say something she didn’t mean. Again Emily couldn’t handle this and sent a wall of text deflecting everything from the night before with “yall could have just asked me how long my friend was staying or tell me you wanted her to go home” she always says stuff like this.

So then Emily broke down, and while hugging me told me that I’m the “only reason she stays alive” I couldn’t handle all these emotions or that comment. I told Celica and she said she could get me an Uber to come over to her gfs house. I told her that as much as I wanted to leave I couldn’t. I quickly contacted Emily’s friends to come get her to help her regulate. I didn’t feel safe leaving her alone. After they grabbed her I left. All I could do was cry.

Emily and I did go through an abortion in 2018. (We are also trans, she’s transfemme, and I’m transmasc) We have a surprise happen, and I ended up pregnant. It was one of the hardest, and most traumatizing decisions I’ve ever had to make. I also chose to do it with the pill at home as I have trauma and cannot cope with medical staff having access to my body while I’m unconscious.

Now Emily hasn’t been intimate with me aside from a few times over the past year. We have sort of drifted apart since Emily had a manic episode about 2 years ago over wanting drugs, and because she was having trouble coping with the fact that Celica had a kid. She said she felt betrayed because Celica waited a month before telling us she had a kid- because Celica (transfemme) has had people treat her poorly over it. Personally I understand, and I was honestly really happy. It is giving me the chance to be a parent and heal the wound left from the abortion. I love her kid so much. She makes me so happy, and a few months ago even ran out and hugged me cause she was so happy. It …it just makes me happy. She did not tell my this until a month ago.

She never communicated she was having trouble coping with this. Not. Once. Just waited until she had a complete break down, was struggling with past addiction issues. She never told me she decided she just never wanted a kid now and was avoiding people dating kids even though I had talked about adoption many times after the abortion.

Emily around 2.5 years ago also tried to kill herself, and told me she had just done a bunch of drugs that she “forgot were in her car” then told me she’s had it since before we started dating and would occasionally use it when I wasn’t home- and that’s why some days she actually did chores and helped me clean the whole house.

Anyway… Emily only told me about a month ago that part of the manic Celica came home with her girlfriend. They expected to hangout with me, then have a nice night together. However, Emily’s friend ended up having her cuddle buddy over until 12am., and ….she hovered over me at one point when I was trying to convince her to stay home cause I did not think it was safe for her to drive. Celica had to step in to keep her from hovering over me, and I went to cry in the corner.

During this manic episode she said she was willing to leave, wanted to be able to have her drugs, and live under a bridge. I asked her if she was really willing to throw away the 5 years we had been dating, and everything we’ve worked for away to do that….she said yes- then left for a few hours. All I could do was collapsed to my knees and sob.

She did end up coming back… but ever since I’ve had trouble dating her…yesterday when Celica and I were being intimate my dog hopped on the bed and I had an instant panic attack that Emily had been the one who sat on the bed. This morning all I could do was shake and cry when Emily walked around the apartment. Anytime Emily hugs or kisses me I just feel uncomfortable… and I don’t know what to do cause we just just renewed our lease…..

What would some of you do in this situation?

I need some sort of advice. I worked SO FUCKING HARD to get us to a better state, healthcare, and more financially stable…