TLDR: I'm in love with my monogamous best friend and it triggers my depression.

I've been in love with my best friend for the better part of a decade. Sadly, she is very monogamous. It doesn't really effect our friendship honestly. I've always been honest and up front about my feelings for her, never trying to seduce her or manipulate her, or any of that other horrible crap you usually hear about in stories like this.

Do I hold out a small glimmer of hope that some day she might try to give poly, and me, a chance? Of course! But it's not necessary. All I'll ever need from her is her continued friendship. Everything beyond that is just bonus gravy.

This last week though, she finally found a guy that she's developing serious feelings for. It's a big deal for her because she's also a rp/abuse survivor as well as demi/aro/ace.

I'm really, REALLY proud and happy for her, and the guy genuinely seems to be one of the good ones. But...... I'm jealous, which I expected, and it's happening at the same time as a bunch of other big life stressors, so it's triggering my depression really hard as well.

I've only managed a couple hours sleep, the last couple days, and have felt like I have been on the verge of tears the whole time. I've caught myself wishing I was dead a couple times and have also been just kinda numb at times as well. It's the first time I've felt this down since my last suicide attempt.

I've never done well with therapy (could never find a therapist that I meshed with) and normally when I start to spiral like this me and her just plan a day together and just hang out and bullshit until I feel better.

But this time, it just feels wrong to come to her with it. The last thing I want to ever do is to make her feel like she is responsible for my feelings for her. I never want to be the guy, or even come across like the kind of guy, who gaslights, guilts, and/or manipulates someone. And it feels like if I sit down and talk it out with her like I usually do, everything I say is gonna come out sound like that, and I hate it.

So it just feeds my depression even more. I hope that I can break this spiral quick and find a way to sit down and get back to our usual friendship soon, cause I'm not sure if I could survive losing her because of my own stupidity.

[Point of clarification: I am not looking for advice or even sympathy or support. I just needed a place to vent to get this off my chest where there might be people who understood. If this kind of post is unwelcome, or not allowed, then, mods, please feel free to delete it and just remove me from the group.]