Hello, friends.

I’d like you to be really honest and blunt with me about your opinions about something.

First off, I fully accept and celebrate my right and ability to choose leave or remain in a polyamorous relationship, and I know that right is honored by almost all of us here. What I want to know is if you think, secretly or not, that someone who finds a polyamorous arrangement too emotionally challenging for them to remain in simply hasn’t done the work to look at their own issues, triggers, and insecurities. Because that’s what I fear about myself.

My beloved wife of 20 years and I are in a polyamorous quad with another married couple- the finest, gentlest people you’re ever going to meet- but even after over a year of therapy, books, and tough self-examination, I’m still wracked with jealousy, pain, insecurity about my meta’s place in her life. I know I can choose to leave at any time, but I feel on a deep level that that would be cowardly; that if I would only do the work to confront and untangle my insecurities I’d be able to take my place in this family of beautiful souls.

I’m just not sure what work there is left for me to do. After intensive emotional work I seem to have drilled down to a bedrock of basic primate insecurity and hostility towards another man- a good, moral, admirable man- with whom my wife has bonded and fallen in love. I just feel like a coward and a failure for even considering getting out of a situation that I “should” be able to be at peace with if I would only do the work.

Do you believe that with enough diligent, honest and courageous emotional work anyone can become happy and at peace in a healthy polyamorous dynamic with good, honest partners?

Thank you.

X-post to r/polyamory