Hi There,

Posting here because I don't at the moment have another comfortable and appropriate space to communicate this and am seeking a little support. I've been conceptually interested in poly for a long time and read many books but have not REALLY done anything about it until now.

My partner and have been together about 10 months and we've been monogamous, but talked about exploring in other ways and have said "we go there together, or not at all. We've just finished a 4-month van trip around the US together and got a place together. The lease for that place just started but I had to go assist at a 12-day retreat for work and have not yet slept a night in our new home, My partner has moved us in, herself, while I've been on retreat. Up until now I've been very much looking forward to living there with her.

Two days ago she text me to call her ASAP. I wasn't able to for a while but when I did she was out at dinner with a boy that she used to sleep with who had gotten stuck at the airport. Without really telling me, she picked him up from the airport and offered him a place to stay (our new house). She tried to tell me but did not really ask about this in a way that felt good or mutual. She just offered him our place. He has been her friend for many years and she had an opportunity to see him so she took it.

Talking to her later that evening I asked what the feeling was like between them, if there was attraction, and if she wanted to explore it. She told me that it was hard to keep herself away from him and hold our previously set boundary. That was hard to hear but I respect this girl as a full human. After long consideration and deep feeling, I told her that she had my permission to do whatever she wanted with him but that my boundary was he not sleep in our bed and wear a condom. My intention was to honor her desire and humanness, not make her feel owned, and allow her the experience she wants to have.

All that night I did not sleep even a little bit. My partner sent me a text saying "I Just cant... I guess I just needed your permission but I just can't do it..." Even with this text, I didn't sleep at all that night. My nervous system was wound up more tightly than it's been in a long time. It turns out they didn't have penetrative sex but did get naked together and fool around. She stopped it before full penetration, saying she kept thinking of me.

She was communicative as much as she could be and has been fully honest with me about everything all along the way. I gave her explicit permission... Despite this, I still feel this immense anger and resentment towards her. She invited this guy into our new house without asking me and then expressed her desire to have a sexual experience with him, totally changing our relationship boundaries all of the sudden, all while I'm in the middle of one of my most important work assignments of the entire year. It's been difficult to insulate the participants of this retreat from having their experience affected by the intensity of my own emotions.

Though the experience she had was not very pleasurable, it was in our new home that I myself have not even had a single night in yet. Where there was excitement about our new place I now feel dread and resentment.

I have two competing parts of me around this. One is amazed at my maturity and ability to grant her that experience while also holding my work role, that part is looking forward to living our lives together and continuing our relationship of building deep love. The other part, though, is so fucking angry and resentful of this girl. That part feels she was unbelievably selfish in not considering how her actions would affect me at this very important time in my year. I'm around the most beautiful teachings and people in my own personal world and all I can think about is them naked in our new living room. I'm very upset about that. That second part is reactive and at moments it drives me to want to text her telling her to get her things out of our house and leave my life. The deepest part of me wants to grow through this together but I feel betrayed and unsupported in my life.

Any feedback, input, or perspective is very much welcome and received with gratitude.