My ex was poly with another partner (someone they knew for a longer time than me).

Beforehand I felt monogamous, but being in a relationship with them made me feel left out. That's why I decided to become poly. Plus, I had some attraction to other people. It wasn't that I didn't love my partner but I kept fantasizing about being with others.

When they broke up with me to be monogamous with their partner, I was devastated. Leading up to it, I was on dating websites finding other people. I told him that I was considering other people, they didn't even tell their partner that we were together until weeks after we became romantic. Naturally I felt that it was okay to look for other people without telling them, only doing so if I found someone. Now I have come to find out that is cheating.

For a long time, I detested polyam relationships because I felt cheated and trapped in a toxic situation.

Now I've met this other person who is poly that I've had a crush on, and it's made me reconsider polyamory. But I still get jealous when they are affectionate with others.

So, long story short, am I monogamous and I can't admit it to myself? Is this normal for some polyam people or questioning people? I still like the idea of having sex with a bunch of people but I'm not sure if I want to romantically? There is so much diversity granted, but I'm not sure if maybe I'm too possessive for any of them.

I have come to detest being monogamous because I want to be free, and I feel like I can't be with one person without feeling drained.