Howdy people,

I (35m) have been seeing a lovely woman (31f) for about six months. Things have been going great - we are connecting on many levels. I’m ready to tell her that I love her, but haven’t said it yet.

On our first date, she was open about being ENM. Until now, I would consider myself a monogamous person, but I am trying to be open to the idea. I’ve been reading, lurking in several subs (including this one). I’ve never had experience with open relationships, nor do I know others who are in open relationships, so I’m coming here for some advice.

It’s been six months of exclusively seeing each other, but I knew this day would come. My partner and I were talking on the phone today (we unfortunately live about 3.5 hrs away) and she asked if she could have an intimate evening with another guy. I’m trying to remain open to the idea, but I’ve got the “sick to the stomach feeling.”

I’m curious if anyone out there has gone from being monogamous to ENM. I consider myself pretty open-minded. I just can’t get over feelings of jealousy and insecurity. Jealous that she wants someone else, and insecure that I can’t provide her with what she wants. We’ve talked about it - that there is no emotional attachment, and that it is only physical.

My biggest fear is that with opening the relationship, I feel like it’s (in a way) looking for something better. And if someone else better does come along, it’s going to be a waste of time for (at least) one of us. And if that happens, feelings are going to be hurt.

I don’t know if it’s right to ask her to “not do it” - if that’s the person she is, it wouldn’t be right for me to keep her from seeing other people. She even asked, “You’re not going to break up with me over this, are you?” I answered no, but after thinking about it, I can’t be 100% sure. It’s difficult for me to process feelings that I haven’t felt yet. In other words, I don’t know how I’m going to feel about it until it happens. That is fucking terrifying for me.

On the other hand, she has already offered to set me up with several of her open friends, so that I can explore other people. I’m not sure that’s the best direction either, because they’re already her friends. Being upfront with my feelings, I’ve told her that my knee jerk reaction (unhealthy, I know) to her seeing someone else would be to sleep with someone else out of spite. I do feel like it’s going to be a lot more difficult for a guy to have a side fling and still be open and honest about it. I just don’t know.

My follow up query is regarding rules/guidelines. It seems like most open couples have guidelines when it comes to seeing other people. I am curious to know what your guidelines are - for me, if they do hook up, I don’t want it to happen at her house. I consider that “our space,” and I don’t want that to be tainted. I’ve heard of others - always wearing protection, no oral, etc. but I want third party suggestions from people who don’t know her.

Give me advice. How do I get over this sick feeling? How can I let her be her own woman without destroying my own headspace and feelings? How did you deal with jealousy and insecurity? And what are your guidelines for seeing other people?

Thanks in advance - I appreciate any insight. Ya’ll are wonderful.