I suck at brevity, and while hoping for wisdom may just be trying to get my thoughts in order. I also suck at figuring out how to start this so its probably going to end up being stream of conscious babbling.

So I had a lot of childhood trauma, and don't trust easily. With me people tend to go one of two ways, either they move on after a short bit, or they graduate from people to friend. I'm deeply personal with friends, and it takes a long time to earn that trust. Maybe ten or twelve years ago I met a guy at a convention who knew of me through my short fiction; started talking online, had a lot of things in common, hung out at future cons, and he ended up being a friend. Maybe four or five years ago he takes me aside at a con and tells me he would like us to try being play partners (kink community). This turned into about a three hour talk: the sex talk, the relationship boundaries talk, and a whole hell of a lot of the "do you know exactly what you're asking to get in to vis my abuse history, how to tell if I'm on a quick road to a really bad place, and exactly what to do about it". And we decided to see where things went. (A whole lot of endearing awkward. Yes please, lets do this again.) He's what I need in a male partner, and someone I trust enough to be vulnerable and try new things.

So six months ago or so he started a new relationship with someone. Who has boundaries well short of where we're already at. And worse, they apparently completely fail at clearly stating them. Literally "Use your best judgment and we'll deal with it later." (The fuck is that supposed to mean?) On top of it they have some sort of mental health thing going on that has been causing our mutual a tremendous amount of distress. And he's only some flavor of secondary with them.

I've never met them, and I'm having a hell of a time not strongly disliking them. I want to give them the benefit of the doubt, and maybe even be civil. But I feel like I've been downgraded somehow, I don't like that we will have to either drastically change or even end the intimate part of our relationship on the say-so of someone that hasn't been around even a year when we've known each other over a decade. And far, far higher up on the ladder of "you do realize I fuck up people's day on a professional level, and make a good living doing so, are sure you really want to go there", I'm on the slow-burn about the pain they've caused him. I don't know the specifics, but I've seen his distress. I. Do. Not. Like. It.

I'm seriously considering ending the intimate aspect of our relationship. I'd be bummed out about it, but what it boils down to is that getting off will never be worth losing a friendship to me. First, I'm having some distress about what I perceive as being rejected in favor of his new partner. Being cast aside or ignored is a huge insecurity of mine, and it hurts. Second, as vague as the new partner is regarding boundaries, I don't want us to do something that will cause issues in his relationship with them. Third, I really don't know if I can deal with them hurting him, and develop some sort of healthy understanding with the new partner. How do you go about saying "No, I'd rather not meet them because I'll just end up telling them I think they're an asshole."?

I don't know what to do.