Hi all. TL; DR Long personal history of being the one left out of things. Trying to find my place in the world.

CW; assault, rape

So my nesting partner and I have been married for a year now. Poly isn’t new to our lives. It’s been BEAUTIFUL to watch him flourish and find himself and his tribe.

He’s been incredibly supportive of me doing the same. He can spend entire nights at the gay bar getting attention and connections. It’s amazing, and it’s been wonderful to see him feel whole and proud of who he is.

I have a long history of sexual assaults. The first poly date I went on, I was very insistent that I’m demi and need time to know someone.

So naturally, he raped me at gunpoint.

I’ve tried since then. I’ve put in effort into relationships. The person I was connecting with the most ended up dumping me for being fat. Which, like, I am, but I’m also fucking hot.

Began talking to someone only to have his wife call me that they were not poly and he was a liar.

Another I’ve only seen three times and he’s decided to start telling me he loves me. It may be true, but it smacks of a manipulation tactic. Saturday he fully stood me up. Last night I gave him another shot and he was 45 minutes late. No explanation either time.

Now I’m, pardon the pun, gun shy and honestly feeling incredibly isolated and not sure what to do or how to move forward. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to actually meet not monster humans? Or is this just my lot in life?