Hello all. I hope everyone is doing okay in this world of continued quarantine and that you have been able to find comfort in daily life. I was hoping for some advice or something similar on my situation. I’ve been feeling pretty lost recently. I’m in a semi-closed V relationship. My meta isn’t really polyam in that they don’t have interest in being with anyone besides our partner, but they are fine with our relationship. Our partner and I are both polyam, but right now neither of us are looking for others; we can if we want, though. My partner and my meta have been together much longer than I’ve been with my partner, and I was friends with both of them for a few years before I started dating my partner.

My partner has a career that it would prove “dangerous” to be open about being polyam. Their parents know about our relationship and they’ve accepted it, but none of their extended family know. Pretty much all of my family knows about my being polyam, as well as a majority of my close friends. A few shared friends of the polycule are aware as well. My meta is pretty closeted about the relationship, though. They’ve not told any of their family; I’ve met a few of that family and they think I’m a roommate who is a really good friend. I’ve also met a lot of my partner’s extended family and the same for them.

I’ve been with my partner for over two years, but having to be closeted almost feels like a newer thing. There have been a few situations where I’ve had to play the role of friend and not partner, but it hasn’t been that frequent and it did not bother me previously. More recently it’s been a more constant thing, though, even extending out to not being able to “be myself” in our own home and having to change/hide signs of our relationship. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching as it were because this is a situation that will most likely not be changing. My partner and meta are planning on getting married and having children, and the plan has always been for me to coparent and be a part of this family. This was never something that I wanted with any other partners before, and it’s felt like such a constant thing that I’ve had surgery so as to not be able to have children.

Until recently, I’ve felt confident and comfortable in the relationship. Now, though, having to change from partner to friend has been weighing on me more and more. And I’m not sure why. But I’m not sure if it’s something that I can accept. I’m trying to figure that out, and I was wondering if any here had any input or words of advice. Some probably helpful advice is that this is kind of all of our first polyam relationship. I was in a failed marriage before this that was open and was bordering on a polyam marriage, but it fell apart for a few reasons outside of just disagreements on the relationship style and how it worked.