My current partner has always been bisexual & polya. We are married, and this is my 3rd marriage.

I've mainly been cheated on and gaslit in past relationships, marriages included

While I wasn't exactly polya or ENM myself, I was still compersive with my partners - I just wanted them to be happy, put their happiness and what they need first, even though I felt like I was dying inside, but didn't know how to handle what I was going through except to just keep giving more of myself.

My first major relationship/marriage - 2003 to 2011 - my husband and best friend fell for each other. She was unhappy in her marriage, and I wanted her to be happy. He wanted kids, she did not.
I became the clown to cheer her up. We'd go out, she'd drink and I would be her excuse staying over and not having to go home and face her husband.
One night, she broke down and my husband comforted her. He stayed with her in the living room that night and I was lonely in bed.
He came back to bed just as the sun was rising and he said he thought he loved her. I said I did too (but I ended up misunderstanding the version of love he meant).
I knew they'd been meeting for lunches at our house. I thought nothing of it.
He told me in the middle of a shopping trip to Walmart that they have been fucking.
I broke down in the middle of Walmart. Of all the stupid places to tell me this. It hurt and was embarrassing.
I became the 3rd wheel in my own marriage.
He told me that I disgusted him.
(Fat slob)
He told me I could never live on my own
(I did not make much money)
She had some debt and he paid off a few thousand dollars of it.
If I ever needed something I couldn't afford, it was like pulling teeth with him - I wasn't worth spending money on.
I would give them time to spend with each other on the weekends, going to the movies for that wonderful escapism. I saw Easy A in the theater 3 times. Loved that movie, but I realized that I don't think I've been able to watch it since that time.

My second major relationship was mostly an escape from the first marriage. She had started to move in (TO MY HOUSE) but my husband & I hadn't shared a bed in months. They took over the major bedroom and I got the "craft room" where I slept on a futon.

Weeks prior, I told the husband I wanted a divorce.
He brokedown and cried but I felt a weight lifted. I started using dating apps and became friends with a few guys. One of them and I met up for a date and enjoyed ourselves.
A few days later, she started moving in and I had shared some webcam footage of my new room. They felt bad and said I'd be welcome to move into their house - it had at least two spare rooms. I took them up on it. I couldn't stand to be in MY HOUSE with her taking over, taking my place. I'd had enough.

This second relationship was different. They presented as male, but liked to wear women's clothing. New relationship, of course I'll try it, if it makes them happy. I was happy to buy them women's clothing, makeup, all the fun things.
They don't have a job, but get a stipend from their grandmother.
I pay for everything else.
A year or two later, they ask me to marry them. I say yes.
A year after that, they decide they want to transition to become a woman.
Not what I signed up for, I clearly prefer men, I prefer dick. But I'm still supportive.
I'm fine with this, as sex has never been a huge drive for me, but attempts in the bedroom with the person who is now my wife never work out well and its no fun, as she gets upset about her genitals and not feeling like she's being treated like a woman.
I've never had relations with women besides just flirting.

I'm submissive, so I can't give her what she desperately wants/needs from a man.
We open up the marriage so that she can date and find what she needs.
I find myself suddenly very asexual (and depressed, without realizing it).
I realize now I was pretty much pushed into asexuality and it's just how my life is.
She tries and dates for months.
There's a mutual friend I like but he's oblivious to me.
Finally, she pushes me to date.
I signup on OKCupid (again, as this is where her and I met) and I mesh really well with a cute guy.
Him and I meet up for drinks and we hit it off - there feels like there's something there.
We get together again the next day and go to the movies together.
He makes me feel whole, makes me feel like I could be loved.

At first, she is happy for me, but then they meet and while she's fine in person, I get yelled at and made to feel terrible later.
The main thing she says is that "you look like you belong together".
Her & I fight for a month and a half straight.
I'm so tired, I'm so fatigued, I don't know how I manage to keep going to work every day, but it's better than being at home with her.
(I feel so drained)
Him and I continue to see each other, but he's willing to step back, if necessary, and I don't want him in the middle of all of it but he's my safe place.

I never realized how much she talked down to me.
My then-wife, and my ex-husband, both talked to me and treated me the same.
I had a serious relationship years before that was also bad for me, where I was treated the same.
I thought that's just how it was.
It wasn't that different from how my parents interacted with each other.
I didn't realize it could ever be different.
Until I met this new man.
I just knew I couldn't lose him, there's something very special here.
I finally make a decision and explain to my soon-to-be ex-wife, that we both prefer men.
And we left it at that.

I moved out on my own for the first time, a month before I turned 35.
The new guy & I continue to be together, and I still experienced many levels of trauma from my previous relationships.
He was used to being polya and while I thought I was going down that path, there's still a lot I don't.
Being abandoned at least twice (though I know it's more than that now, as I write this, more things cropping up - I had another fiancee once as well, but we try not to go there), by people I was in serious relationships with, has really interfered with my ability to love and accept love.
He helps me forget
(I realize I never really worked through this)
He offers to be mono with me.
I accept this happily, with the admendment that if we need to go back to being poly, we'd discuss it. I don't want this completely off the table for either of us.
We eventually marry and we're happy together

We recently opened things back up, after being stuck at home for a year, day in and day out. I was comfortable and happy, but now work is making us go back to the workplace.
We decided to open things back up.
I thought I would be fine, we both just needed some new blood.
(Even though we're immensely comfortable with each other - he's my best friend)
I start dating, and there was one guy that I connected with. We go on a few dates, but I barely ever hear from him. I get tired of being the one to engage all the time.
A few months in, I end up getting Corona (while vaccinated), so I'm back to limiting my time in the public, which makes it hard to date.

My husband is currently dating another woman and he has a similar fear of being out in the public right now, especially with how easy it is to catch the Delta variant.
So I offer to go make myself scarce, and let them meet at our house, thinking nothing of it.
I go and have fun at the movies, I run some errands.
(...I'm treading that familiar path...I don't want to feel like this...)
Before leaving the house, I was suddenly dealing with terrible bouts of fatigue.
I didn't own up to how bad the fatigue was - I nearly blacked out a few times.
I pushed myself, because it was very close to time for her to come over, and I didn't want to ruin this for him.

I got back home hours later.
The feelings were back. It's been 10 years since I last felt like this.
The tightness in my chest, that weirdness of finding things not where I left it
(my favorite blanket is not where I last put it)
He set boundaries with her, and I'm thankful
(I'm not ready to share him like that with her, not yet)
I breakdown and cry...
I breakdown and cry multiple times throughout the evening, not sure why I'm feeling like this.
(The Trauma)
I try to give it words, reason through it and I don't have them. All I want to do is cry and I continue to tell myself that this time is different.
I know he loves me, and he'll always come back to me.
I told myself it shouldn't be a big deal but...
(THE TRAUMA)
He forgot this happened to me, and I did not expect it to come back like this

I can't figure out how to work through this...