It's really hit me the past few days that she's likely to never be a feature in my life ever again. We only dated 3 months or so and it was good. But something happened and she felt hurt and that pain led her to interpret my actions in a way they weren't meant.

She never gave me the chance to talk with her about it until a month later when she broke up with me, hadn't even told me she'd been hurt until I asked her about it, just stopped responding to my messages until I asked later that same week.

When we did finally talk about it she told me that if she'd known she might have not have separated herself from her feelings for me.

That was honestly the first time she told me that I meant something to her. She told me that she wanted to stay in my life. We made plans.

I texted later to acknowledge I could see how pained she was breaking up with me. She cancelled out plans asking for space and ghosted when I asked for communication around what the space would look like and to organise an opportunity to check in.

I really struggled with not hearing back on that. Definitely did more damage in my pain without doing anything directly harmful, just asking for communication and trying to get that need for clarity met.

Realised later it had been a trauma trigger. Apologised, explained my need and acknowledged I had a boundary that had been crossed by not not hearing anything back, and that all I had needed was for her to say that she couldn't do a check in, or give a time frame.

Let her know that all I wanted at this stage was if she still wanted me in her life in whatever way.

Nothing.

So now she's out of my life, and I know for sure that she's never going to come back into it.

I don't know if I could handle it if she decided she wanted to be friends after all that.

But coming to terms with breaking up, and coming to terms with her disappearing from my life are two completely different beasts and it feels like my heart has been ripped out all over again. I know this is a trauma response behaviour from stuff in her past, she shared that with me and I don't have any ill will for what she's felt she had to do to protect herself.

I just wished that the open communication she said was a must in the relationship had been a two-way street and we'd talked about what happened before she'd pushed me away, that it hadn't taken me so long to let go of the hope of having her as a friend.

Poly feelings are hard and I just needed to share, I'm coming to the end of my grieving for this and finding peace in knowing that I did what I could.