Hello.

So I’m currently reaching out in regards to some advice I need for the current situation I’m in. I’m very new to polyamory in the past I thought I was more monogamous leaning but I realise that I am into polyamory and ethical non-monogamy.

I met my current partner awhile ago online and we hit it off immediately. We were messaging mostly essays of messages every day because we talk in long messages. We were calling for five hours plus a day and I created a very good emotional connection with them we both knew we liked each other, but we wanted to ensure we could create a good emotional foundation before we entered a relationship.

My partner has a girlfriend of a few years and they both are deeply in love with each other. They are fairly new to polyamory and ethical non-monogamy, initially I was only interested in dating my partner because we created a very strong emotional connection together and I like to takethings slow.

I am currently struggling with my identity. I have been passing around the idea of being asexual and demisexual. I’ve always struggled with my sexuality and identity and it is taken me a very long time to get to a place where I might possibly know more about myself. I find bodies and people, attractive but not inherently sexual. I have to build that emotional connection to have sexual feelings with another and that takes a very long time. For example I have fairly large breasts and a lot of people can find them very fascinating and my close friends will touch them or hold them in a non-sexual way and I find it really comforting and it’s very much okay with me and very much okay with them and we both understand it’s nonsexual.

Not only this I’m a very flirtatious person. I unfortunately unintentionally flirt with people at times but there is a big difference between my unintentional and intentional flirting and people that are close to me will know the difference. Now my problem and advice needed is related to my partners girlfriend I unfortunately had a bit of a fuck up and have possibly led them to think that I also want to date them and are dating them. I had only known them for about a week and I hadn’t talked to them in the way I talk to my partner and they had casually asked me to call me their girlfriend and me without thinking said yes.

Now I have a lot of trauma. I have complex PTSD and have had a big Mental Health history. Both my partner and their girlfriend is aware of this. I have an anxious attachment style. I struggle with abandonment issues and I overthink a lot of situations. My partners girlfriend has avoidant attachment style, now I’m in therapy and intensely and working to try to develop a secure attachment style. My partner‘s girlfriend does not from what I know want to work on their avoidant attachment style. I do not believe that I can date somebody with an avoidant attachment style due to my past traumas.

An example of this is when my partner’s girlfriend told me while playing a game that they wanted to have an intense conversation with me after they finished the game. I tried to have a conversation with them but they were stuck on wanting to finish their game not only this but they started another game while making me wait which made me spiral internally with my feelings. The conversation was very heavy for me. I noticed that they were wanting a lot of things that felt very controlling for me like me not spending as much time with friends and more time with them which I obviously do want to spend time with them but I also enjoy spending time with lots of other people, especially my friends. Not only but they VETO’d me dating another person because that person had rejected them, now this person I am attracted to but I wouldn’t consider dating at this point of time because I additionally do not have an emotional connection with them.

I tried to explain this to my partners girlfriend but she was very un receptive especially as she had an avoidant personality, when I told her that I didn’t like her trying to control certain things without negotiations, she broke down crying and immediately walked away. I feel deeply regretful that I have possibly led her on but I do not think I can date her because of this avoidant personality unless it was something she was committed to working on.

I’m in a bit of a tricky situation and I would appreciate advice even if it’s negative upon me. I really just need somebody to give me any kind of help.