I am a 20yr old F in a 2 year committed monogamous relationship. I'm having a really hard time knowing whether or not I am polyamorous. I'm desperate for advice from folks who have been in a similar situation/know how to handle situations like this.

I have always been interested in the idea of group sex, especially in high school. Being in an 'orgy' was on my bucket list at age 17. In my current relationship I am the healthiest I have ever been in my life. Everyone I know supports and admires my relationship and my partner. My therapist thinks this relationship is a keeper, and my partner is worth marrying. I of course am deeply in love with my partner and we hope to get married. However, I have been experiencing difficulties in my relationship lately. Sex has been the main issue as of late. My partner is demisexual, and I have an extremely high libido. I'm sure you can see where the issue lies. I need sex in a relationship, that's a fact. The lack of intimacy has been deeply impacting me, and even with compromise I still feel unsatisfied. Our current compromise is once a week, and I was feeling hopeful....until 2 days ago.

My closest friends and I indulge in psychedelics about once a month. We buy some gummies, invite a sitter and hang out all day at my apartment. We indulged again 2 days ago. My friends and I all cuddled in a pile on the floor for hours. We talked, laughed, and connected deeply. I made a comment akin to: "Do y'all see why I like the idea of group sex now?" And everyone agreed. Here's the thing, I have had many intrusive thoughts about cheating before. I have admitted them to my partner and therapist and have been able to keep them in my head up to this point. I admitted to myself I may be polyamorous outside of this relationship, but I am choosing to be with my partner instead. While high, I was so annoyed I couldn't indulge in consensual sex with my close friends. My partner felt less like a chosen priority and more like a barrier. I did NOT cheat on my partner. But I did have troubling feelings. My partner arrived home from work, and I decided to open up about the situation.

The discussion was definitely the most difficult one to have in the entirety of my relationship. My partner and I have discussed opening things up many times, and he does not wish to. Which is valid, and I respect it. But now we are facing an impasse. I am now facing a difficult decision. I wish that I could pause my relationship and explore my sexuality and my identity, and be able to come back if I realize it is not for me. I don't know if this is an option, my partner and I have yet to decide..

I feel extreme shame and guilt for wanting to split up 'over sex'. I feel so torn. I never knew being capable of loving so many would result in so much hurt. I have no idea how to make this choice. I have no real way of knowing unless I try, but in order to try I would have to end my current relationship.

I used to be so confident I would regret breaking up with my partner and choosing polyamory. Now I fear I will regret choosing to settle too early without exploring at all. If anyone has any advice, please share. Thank you for listening.