I (40m) was in an on-off relationship with my gf "B" (32f) for the past 2 years. For the first six months, we dated monogamously and were pretty exclusive. At some point we decided we didn't want to see each other exclusively and decided to part ways amicably. 3 or 4 months later, we started seeing each other again and the topic of monogamy and sex positivity came up and after lots of discussion, research, and trying to understand each other's needs, we decided to give polyamory and being in an open relationship a go.

Initially we set our boundaries to be that we would see other people separately, and explore the sex positive party scene in our city (a big metropolitan centre in Europe) together - i.e. going to swinger/play parties and sex clubs together. Over time we would check in with each other but in the beginning we didn't really disclose to each other much about other people we were seeing on a casual basis - both of us had this agreement that we would operate on a don't ask don't tell basis. She had multiple other casual partners as did I.

At some point, as we were planning our first play party experience, she admitted to me that she had gone out to experience a swinger club with another guy as she didn't feel secure enough doing so with me. It initially felt like a betrayal given we had discussed it as an experience we would do together. She was quick to point out that they didn't really play with anyone else and that it was more out of curiosity and so we washed it under the bridge.

Over time we went to many play events, got comfortable to the point of soft swapping with other couples. Both of us had dropped seeing other people to focus on our relationship together and as a result we were monogamous for much of March to August of this year. In August we had a check-in talk where I bought up the topic of wanting to be CNM (i.e. playing with others together as opposed to separately) given that we hadn't been seeing other people. She agreed and asked why I wasn't seeing other people to which I answered that I hadn't had the time because of work, and also because I was focusing my energy on cultivating our bond together.

However, after that day in August she came back to me and said that her takeaway from our conversation was that I would date other people if I had the time, and so its only fair that she should continue doing so, and then arranged to go on 6 or 7 dates with other men in a span of 2 weeks - whether it was for validation or otherwise, I'm not sure. I was largely OK with it given we are polyamorous and open.

During this time, I figured that since she was dating, I should too, and rekindled an old relationship with a girl (i'll call her A) whom I used to see seriously in the past, but had parted ways and we rekindled our relationship on the basis that it was now going to be a casual affair. I told B and suddenly she didn't like this. I mentioned to her that I was only seeing one person while she was going on many dates but her idea was that I could have an emotional connection with A. Over time, our fights grew about the topic and she gave me an ultimatum that I need to cut A out of my life or she would leave.

There were other times when I started dating again where I would mention that I was going on a date with another woman and she would keep blowing up my phone, asking me to come see her and drop what I was doing; using the threat of calling another guy to her house for a booty call as bait to get me to drop my date and come over to hers for the night.

The last few months were toxic with this kind of status quo. It came to a head when she was going on holiday 2 weeks ago and we had bought tickets from a while to a swinger/sex party held in a large private residence - a fairly famous "scene" party for the city we live in. We decided to set our differences aside and go to this event as a way to enjoy the night before she traveled and hence take a break from our relationship.

We were chatting to a bunch of people and the night was going well for a few hours. I randomly started chatting to couple that were coincidentally from the same ethnic origin as A as I was waiting for B to come back from the toilet. As soon as she arrived at the bar she threw a fit saying I’m triggering her insecurities because she knows this couple is from a similar ethnic background to A, and said something along the lines of "use your head and gauge you know I’m sensitive to this …". I was like we are just chatting to random people at a bar... she threw a fit and I spent the better part of the rest of the night walking on eggshells.

Anyway fast forward to next morning we were talking in bed with coffee and I brought up the fact that she shouldn’t be putting boundaries on who I can talk to and who I can’t and she got super angry. She stood up, took my stuff and threw it out the door, threw my cologne bottle at me which smashed and broke into pieces on the floor next to me, and also chucked the remains of a half eaten McDonalds meal at me, screamed at me to get the f out of the house, really over the top behaviour. She went into the kitchen and for a second I froze as I thought she was going to get a knife or some other sharp object to attack me but she only went into the kitchen to get tissue to clean up the floor (and not me).

While we were arguing, I said some unsavoury things I will admit: I said that I can't cut off my other girl because I have started to love A the same way I love B, which B didn't like. At this point, she opened the door and asked me to leave - naked - into the hall. By this time, the neighbours had opened up their doors and were asking what was happening (she lives in a block of flats). I got changed in the hall, left downstairs to a coffee shop close by to get coffee and collect my thoughts.

I went back to try and mend things but she wouldn’t open her door. Then later on she kept texting me and blaming me for saying I lead her on and that I still love Aga etc etc. And like the next day she flew to Mexico on holiday and she just kept texting every day and i wouldn’t respond and then she’d get even worse over text like I’m ruining her peace and her mind etc etc a lot of emotional stuff

At some point I was like this is too toxic, I got kicked out of her house, she got physical with me and she’s making me apologise for it and I thought fuck if I go back it’s just gonna be worse. I can’t go back after she’s been physically abusive like that

I blocked her on Saturday… I’d been getting a constant stream of messages from her all week when I had literally sent like 5 - just blaming me for everything, saying I’d ruined her holiday, calling me names, accusing me of emotional abuse and silent treatment…

I still love her though, I don't know why she keeps playing on my mind and I get the feeling that all this toxicity was coming from a place of caring if that sounds sane enough to say. I'm a 6'1" man with a background in MMA and boxing whereas she's a petite 5'4", and so the physical violence is not something that really bothered me in a purely physical sense. Conceptually though, all my friends and family are telling me to run for the hills as this is too much toxicity and she's being coercive and abusive, and that I'm lucky to have escaped this relationship unscathed physically.

I still have this longing and this feeling about what could have been and what should have been - we were very good together - she's very pretty, we are of similar backgrounds and life experiences, gelled very well, brought out the best in each other, dipped our toes into the lifestyle together and there was a lot on our agenda to expereince and discover. But when things turned bad, we would bring out the worst in each other too.

Am I the jerk for cutting it off? Should I go back and try and mend things? or should I heed friends and family advice and take a clean break?

I needed to get this off my chest...