I wasn't sure where to write this, but this seemed like the best place to get honest and balanced advice. It's going to be long due to a lot of backstory, so my apologies ahead of time.

My wife(39F) and I(46M) have been together for almost seven years and married for just about 6. This is a second marriage for both of us. We met on a dating app talked for a week through email, text, phone for about a week and a half before we went out on our first date. When i first met her in person I was completely smitten with her, the night went well. We talked about everything, our kids, family, interests, music, where we had lived/worked, where we traveled to, you name it we talked about it. One of the subjects that she brought up was if I had ever been in an open relationship. I told her that I had not, but i had friends that were in them. She asked if it was something that I wanted. I told her I didn't know because it was something that I never thought about good or bad. When i asked if that was what she was looking for she said no, but had gone on a few dates with someone and after a couple of weeks of going out they said that if they got into a relationship this was what they wanted. As confusing as that looks in written form the basic gist of it is that she didn't want an open relationship and if that was what I wanted then she didn't want to waste her time.

Once we decided to become exclusive, it seemed like a lot of times I would have interactions with other women (bar tenders, cashiers, severs, etc.) she would tell me that they were hitting on me. Now they could have been, I am one of those guys that is completely oblivious to subtle anything when it comes to romance. It takes an overt act for my ass to figure it out. She would usually make a comment like "I would fuck a bitch up" that sort of thing, I would just laugh it off and tell her she's the only one for me. ( I should give a little context here, My ex-wife cheated on me for about the last two years of our marriage and only when i found out about it did she file for divorce. So cheating is not something I would do, the pain was to great for me and I would never want to put that on someone that I care about. ) She would almost immediately say she was joking, that she knew I would step out on her. However there was this part of me that knew she was joking.

A couple of years ago, I'm not sure how the subject got brought up, but we ended up talking about threesomes. She asked if I had ever been in one and I said that I had, both mfm and ffm. She asked me if I liked it I said it was fun. She asked if I would ever do it again. I said I wasn't sure, possibly. I asked her if this was something she was interested in. She said maybe, but that if we ever did she didn't want me to do anything with the other woman if it was a ffm. I said ok and at that time it was kind of the end of the discussion.

After a while we had talked about it a few other times, used it as fantasy talk in the bedroom etc. We started talking more about it as a serious possibility, and I asked if she would still be uncomfortable if it was with another woman, she said yes because she was worried that I would like her better. So from that point forward we just figured on a mfm. The opportunity for one presented itself in the form of an old "friends with benefits" of her's from college. It ended up not panning out, but we had at least figured out what our rules and boundaries would be should this happen again, either actively or passively.

Now we get to the present day. My wife came home from work one day and asked me if all of these things that one of the contractors she had gotten an estimate from for her business, was flirting with her or not. I said yes they were, most professionals do not bring up personal stories, past relationships, break ups, etc. on the job, and definitely not with a potential client unless they were interested and feeling out the waters. After a couple of days she told me that she found him attractive and that she wanted to see if he would be interested in being an ace. I said ok, just remember our rules and boundaries going forward. One of them was no contact outside of the group, once the offer had been made. (Meaning all texts and/or phone calls would be in a group setting) This is not what ended up happening. She ended up texting a lot, flirting, going out to dinner, having him in our house, all of this without my knowledge. When I confronted her about this, she said she didn't think there was anything wrong with what she did because we had not "done" anything yet. This ended up starting a big disagreement. I was upset more about going outside of our boundaries than anything else. I then turned into this was the first person she had been attracted to since we stared dating, and that she though that she was poly. She then explained about people in her past that she had "intense attraction to" the three that she mentioned had all been either married or in committed relationships at the time. One of them i had never heard of, and two of them she had talked to maybe twice in the almost seven years we had been together. I asked her strait up if she wanted to sleep with other people without me, she told me" I don't know, maybe" When I asked her if she would really be ok with me sleeping with other women after her previous comments when women would "flirt" with me.(the most recent of these was less than a month ago) She said that yeah she would be ok because I would be coming home to her every night and that she knew that I loved her. Personally I found this dubious at best. This ended with us both hurt. I called the other guy that night and talked to him, he is poly. When I explained everything to him, he was a bit upset. he didn't know if a threesome would ever happen, but he had wanted to be my friend and he was not aware that we had established boundaries nor that they had been breaking them. From then on every time he communicated personal or business it was in a group text.

Now I'm at a crossroad, I'm not sure what to do. I am not a open marriage person, nothing wrong with it, it's just not for me. I was what he called a "same room swinger". So my main questions are, is this normal? Does it sound like she really wants an open marriage, or the first time I sleep with someone with out her it's over? Any advice would help. I want to help her be who she is, even if that is something that I can't do. I love her enough to let go if I am going to hurt her. I answer what I can if there is anymore clarification needed.