Hi everyone,

I (30TF) am in a (so far) closed polyamorous quad with my nesting partner Amy (25TF), my other partner Zayne (31NB), and my metamour Danny (31NB).

We are in a closed polyamorous structure but I have discovered that I am more inclined towards open polyamory and I have expressed this to the quad. At the moment, Amy has said she doesn't feel OK with me exploring connections with people outside of our closed poly structure. She's a trans woman who struggles with dysphoria and this is a block to her sex life and feeds into a sense of insecurity. She's due to have lower surgery next month and has said we can review the relationship structure after recovery, and (hopefully) our sexual reconnection, and her not having a block to her own libido and sexual exploration. However, I also think there are deeper issues here. I think she is someone who is anxiously attached and trying to manage her anxiety by placing restrictions on me. This has been the nature of our relationship for many years. I've always wanted more sexual (and now romantic) autonomy than she feels comfortable with and she's said no to a lot of the things I want to explore.

I really love my partner but the lack of sex in our relationship and her restricting my sex/romantic connection with others (she's ok with me having occasional hookups outside the polycule but nothing more), has put a strain on our relationship. I got close to a friend a few months back that I was attracted to and developed (I think) romantic feelings for them, or at least a crush. However Amy does not want me to explore this at the moment (even thought this friend is also open to exploring our connection) so I'm left just trying to hold these feelings.

I don't want to do anything that would cause a lot of upset to Amy but I'm also feeling frustrated by these restrictions and daunted at the prospect of holding them for however long surgery, recovery, and sexual reconnection is going to take (probably another 4 months at least).

I was reading Polysecure last night and it got me thinking about what I want my boundaries to be and what I came up with is that I don't want my sexual or romantic feelings and behaviours to be restricted by someone else.

As a boundary, it feels like it really fits with how I understand myself and my values. And I guess I'm posting here to get a sense of whether that's a reasonable boundary to move towards. When I say it out loud or write it out, I feel like it is reasonable in isolation, but in my current context I know it will probably cause a lot of hurt to Amy.

What are people's thoughts on this as a boundary?